The Times They Are A-Changing

Dying my Hair

2012-01-07T14:44:00.000-08:00

Goal #90: Color my own hair. Accomplished on 1/7/2012.

A few years ago I started getting those first pesky greys. The ones you just notice when you are brushing your hair and suddenly you see a streak of white. You're not sure you saw it right because you can't possibly be greying. You're YOUNG. I'm still young, right? Right??

Well over the years, there is no doubt that the greys aren't some optical illusion. They have snuck up around the crown of my head and there is no denying they are there. They are not elegant greys to be worn with dignity. They are ill distributed and look horrible, so about an year or two ago I went to get my roots done for the first time. I have had my hair colored three times so far and each time I've dropped around $100-150 for a basic root color job.

If you listen to people at the salon, they convince you that if you ever try to dye your own hair, it will either all fall out or turn bright orange so I'd been hesitant to try it on my own. But I realized that the older that I get, the more I'm going to have to dye my hair. Not only is it such an expensive thing to do every six weeks but it takes SO much time. So, I decided that I wanted to have a go at it at home and it was so easy!

First, I watched a bunch of youtube videos that gave me some good tips. If you are dying your hair for the first time at home, here are some recommendations:

-Put down some newspapers on the surface you are working on. I didn't and then it was a bit of a pain to get the color out of the sink.

-Put vaseline around your hair line so the color doesn't get on your face, ears, etc. It will keep your skin from taking the color.

-Make sure your hair has no product in it and try to have washed it a day or two ago.

- You can buy dye brushes, which I did, but I found they are not necessary. You can just use your fingers or a comb or an old, cleaned toothbrush fro the same purpose.

Now you are ready to color! I used Clairol Natural Instincts in Ebony Brown because I had read in a few magazines that it is the best home hair color. It only set me back eight bucks and I think it did a great job.

The instructions were really easy to follow and I was all done applying the color in about 15 minutes. I prepared some cookie dough while I waited for the color to set. You can help it along by hitting it with a blow dryer to create some heat and then covering it with a shower cap. The box said to leave it on for 10-20 minutes but I left it on for an hour. This might not be good for everyone's hair so do a test strip if you are not sure.

Once I finished my cookies, I rinsed out my hair and instead of using the conditioner that came in the box, I used the Bumble and Bumble quenching masque since it is sulfate free. My hair came out so soft for having just been dyed.

My conclusion is that I will never go to a salon for a color again. Dying at home is so easy and I actually like my result better than any I've gotten at the salons. I basically look like the model above now.

112 for 2012

2012-01-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

A blogger that I regularly read, Aisha Iqbal, does a list of things she wants to accomplish every year. Even though I am a little late to the game I thought it was a great way to set goals and keep life interesting. Here are my 112 for 2012. I will try to pop in every week or two with updates.

1. Publish one article.
2. Read 24 books.
3. Join the gym.
4. Make perfect rice three times in a row.
5. Do not go on the internet outside of work for 1 week.
6. Visit at least one new country.
7. Visit three new states.
8. Go to Michigan at least six times.
9. Get at least one new mentor.
10. Meet ten new people who I like enough to send a New Years card to.
11. Run one race, no matter the length.
12. Make something that will outlive me.
13. Attend Qasar's wedding.
14. Go to Pakistan.
15. Reunite with at least one old friend from high school.
16. Sell or give away everything in my Ebay box at home. (This is a box of things I plan to sell on Ebay one day.)
17. Take a weekend trip with just Feraz.
18. Buy a car.
19. Speak at one conference.
20. Not say anything mean or negative for one week.
21. Go on a hike.
22. Bake a treat for all the people in our building.
23. Invite all the people in our building for a get together.
24. Hand out candy on Halloween.
25. Throw one surprise birthday party.
26. Host a gift exchange at a random time of the year.
27. Learn to knit.
28. Send five birthday cards in the mail.
29. Send five care packages in the mail.
30. Pay for a stranger's cup of coffee.
31. Hand out ten $5 subway gift cards to homeless people.
32. Host ten dinners.
33. Lose ten pounds. (I am on a ten roll here.)
34. Smile more.
35. Break my sugar addiction.
36. Go on a run outside.
37. Paint something for the house.
38. Take Feraz to the UP.
39. Make a Ramadan calendar like an advent calendar.
40. Decorate the house for Eid.
41. Host chand raat if we are not in Michigan for Eid.
42. Give Feraz his birthday, Eid, anniversary gifts, etc. on the actual day.
43. Write a meaningful card for each.
44. Forgive everyone I have ever been mad at.
45. Become friends with at least one of the fifty bloggers I read regularly.
46. Organize my pictures.
47. Buy a real camera.
48. Take a photography class.
49. Take a sewing class.
50. Make a friend that sews.
51. Fix my MacBook Pro.
52. Be happy with my teeth.
53. Make an effort to look nice even when I am home with just Feraz. Does anyone else look like a total slob when they are just around their partner?
54. Drive by myself at least five times.
55. Mentor someone.
56. Have an idea that contributes to society and execute it.
57. See four shows at the theatre.
58. Memorize Surah Yasin.
59. Write 20 letters. And mail them.
60. Don't gossip and don't listen to other people gossiping.
61. Learn a dance for Qasar's wedding.
62. Pack 14 lunches.
63. Call my grandma in Pakistan three times.
64. Have at least five guests at our house.
65. Make a fire in our fireplace.
66. Make s'mores on the fireplace.
67. Create a frame gallery for our hallway.
68. Ask the landlord if I can paint the pantry cabinet.
69. Go to three museums.
70. Do a puzzle.
71. Don't drink soda for one month.
72. Go to a baseball game.
73. Go to a basketball game.
74. Be good at taking compliments.
75. Go to a comedy club or show.
76. Write a fan letter.
77. Grow something.
78. Visit the Library of Congress.
79. Go on a road trip.
80. Write my will.
81. Create a scholarship.
82. Take Feraz to NYC.
83. Go to Luray Caverns
84. Learn to swim.
85. Take a self-defense class.
86. Buy pepper spray.
87. Go shooting.
88. Fly a kite.
89. Do a photo shoot with Feraz.
90. Color my own hair.
91. Fill out a nice comment card.
92. Take the day off on my birthday.
93. Make a surprise cake.
94. Go to a national park.
95. Memorize a poem.
96. Email an old teacher.
97. Visit someone sick. Take them something happy.
98. Be kind when it is hard.
99. Do something around the house that I would usually ask or expect Feraz to do.
100. Have a picnic.
101. Laugh until I cry.
102. Return books I have borrowed.
103. Stay up all night.
104. Sell something on Ebay.
105. Contribute something on Wikipedia.
106. Make an origami something.
107. Watch movies all day.
108. Stay at a bed and breakfast.
109. Have a candle lit dinner.
110. Send someone flowers just because.
111. Make Feraz a really good breakfast in bed.
112. Write a list of 113 things I want to do in 2013.

What Aisha Khan Has Taught Me

2011-12-22T05:50:00.000-08:00

Aisha Khan was found alive and well and now all the speculation begins. I didn't realize when people were posting prayers for God to bring her back safe and sound, they meant only if she was a good little Muslim girl. I don't care why she left. I am just happy it wasn't because some drunk guy raped her and left her in a ditch or something equally horrific. I pray that she finds peace and resolution for whatever caused her to disappear in the first place.

Over the last week, the first thing I would do every morning is come online and check for news of Aisha. Most days, there were just more stories of searches being organized or a new media outlet picking up the story. But in addition to that, there was the outpouring of support from thousands of people who were praying for her safe return, who were offering words of support to her family, who were crying along with her father and mother and praying that Aisha was ok.

Whether Aisha left over something trivial or over something significant, it took great courage to come back in the face of all the media coverage and attention this case received. I'm not sure I could have done it.

I hope Aisha can see that her life is meaningful, that there is a great web of people who cared for her without having ever known her. I hope that is something we all can see. Whatever pain or suffering that each of us is going through, there is still so much humanity in the world and if we seek that in people, we will find it.

You can be angry as you want that Aisha wasn't abducted. You can demand to know what really happened. You can feel like you were deceived. But not me. I am thankful for Aisha Khan. She reminded me that there is nothing more important in the world than my family. She showed me that compassion and beauty live inside of my America. She made me realize that sometimes the best outcome is the one that you didn't realize you were praying for.

Fall is Here!

2011-09-24T12:49:00.000-07:00

Happy Fall! Fall means so many great things and this Fall is extra special because it also means Sara's wedding, Eid in Michigan and a surprise vacation in November. Other than those great things, my Fall to do list includes:

Make this pumpkin crunch cake.

Wear a big cozy sweater like this.

Go pumpkin picking. (Carve picked pumpkins.)

Drink lots of tea.

Go to a cider mill.

Visit a haunted house.

Take lots of drives to see the fall colors.

Loss

2011-09-22T08:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I can't write enough about loss. I am ~~scared~~ terrified of losing things. Ever since I was a little kid I'd think about losing my parents or my brother or sister. Now I am scared of losing Feraz, my friends, my job or so many of the thousands of amazing blessings I have in my life. Lately, my fear has been especially heightened because I ran across this blog. The author, Nie, was your average woman, probably more happy-go-lucky than most. She had a great life complete with the perfect husband, four kids and a strong faith. Then, her and her husband were in a terrible plane crash in which they lost their instructor and good friend. When the plane hit the ground, it burst into flames burning 84% of Nie's body and putting her in a three month long medically induced coma.

Three years later, she has gone through many ups and downs and has struggled with the aftermath of the accident. She has many positive things going on in her life, a beautiful life growing inside her, a supportive husband who has been with her through everything and her four children. But, she lost something on the day of that accident and her accident is a reminder that life is so incredibly fragile.

When I look at my apartment walls, when I look at the street I live on or the office that I work in, I realize that one day I will not occupy these spaces just like I no longer occupy my apartment in Turkey, or walk the streets of Ann Arbor or sit in the classrooms at Oakland University. That time moves forward and we are always leaving things behind us, and one day we will leave it all completely, one final time. But it is only death. And although it is unsettling, death does not scare me.

It is something like that plane crash that scares me. The idea that one look away from the road, one crazy person coming into your home, one instant that you might relive in your mind forever can change the trajectory of your life. Is this fate? I don't know but I don't think so. If it was fate, perhaps it would be easier to come to some reconciliation.

Samosa Making Tutorial

2011-09-13T05:44:00.000-07:00

Being Pakistani, I associate samosas with holidays, celebrations and happy moments. When I was young, samosas were staples at weddings, iftaars (parties where you break your fast in Ramadan) and at the mosque after Eid prayer. Until I was in my teens, I only knew one kind of samosa and that was what I thought was the "traditional" samosa. It was a pastry filled with potatoes, peas and spices and then deep fried so it had a crispy outer shell.

In my travels, I have seen samosas in every variation. Small ones, big ones. Vegetarian ones, meat ones. Fried ones, baked ones.Many countries around the world have their own samosa and in many cultures it holds the same positive associations it holds for me, a food that goes hand in hand with happy memories.

Since we don't have a car in DC and since I love samosas more than just about anything, I decided that I would make them at home. I remembered making them with my mom when I was quite young so I figured I was half way there. My mom used to use those freezer pastry sheets and I planned to do the same, until I saw the nutrition information on a packet Feraz brought home for me. At about 15 grams of fat, 225 calories and a very low nutritional grade, the ten dollar a pop pastry sheets were promptly returned. I didn't feel comfortable making something quite that bad as a snack for us or to serve to our guests.

I looked up some recipes for the pastry and it was easy enough to make myself. All I needed was:

2 cups flour (you can use wheat or any flour you prefer but in this case I used unbleached all-purpose flour)
6 tablespoons melted butter. (I like to melt the butter on the stove and then let it cool for a few minutes before using. It seems to get a better result than just melting in the microwave. I also found that using vegtable oil as a substitute did not work.)
1/2 teaspoon salt
6 tablespoons water

Mix the flour and salt and making a well in the middle, pour the butter in. Add the water little by little, as needed. At first the dough will feel too dry and crumbly but as you continue to knead it, it will get softer and smoother. If you are having major problems getting the consistency you want, I have found that adding additional melted butter helps.

After you have prepared the pastry dough, cover it and set it aside so you can make the filling. You have lots and lots of room to be creative with the filling. You can modify it so the flavors you love will really stand out. If you want to start with a basic filling though, this is loosly the recipe I used.

4 large potatoes (which I boiled the first time, but microwaved in the future for a much faster process. Just make two cuts in the potato and put it in the microwave for 6-8 minutes per potato depending on your power)
1 large onion finely chopped
1 1/2 cup of frozen peas
1 3/4 spoon of salt (I use the regular sized spoon for these measurements, so something like a plastic spoon would be a good reference point. Sorry!)
1 1/2 spoon of red chili powder
1 1/2 spoon of cumin
1/2 a spoon of whole corriander (smash these between your palms to help release the flavor and aroma but to still keep the texture they provide.)
1 clove of finely chopped garlic
a small bunch of cilantro, very finely chopped
1 green chili, finely chopped

After you have peeled your microwaved or boiled potatos, dice the potatos up and mix them with all the ingredients above on medium heat for a few minutes, until everything is mixed nicely. It doesn't have to look pretty but I do recommend aiming to keep the potato pieces as uniform in size, as possible which I didn't do this first time around.

Now, its time to move back to your pastry. Take a handful of the dough and roll in your hands untl you have a nice little dough ball. Press the ball down onto the surface you are working on and then with a rolling pin flatten in out until you have a pita sized piece of dough. This does not have to be pretty or precise! Cut the dough into two pieces with a butter knife. Again precision is not necessary here. It will not matter at all once you make the samosa. In the picture below you can see my pastry looks nothing like a cicrle and I cut it in half wherever I felt like it. Then, take 1-2 tablesppons of your filling and place it on the middle of the pastry. I made the mistake of overstuffing my pastry the first time I made it but a little bit actually goes a long way and you want to make sure you will be able to close the pastry up.

To finish the samosa, you want to make a triangle shape. You will want to fold the pastry so what was the straight cut is folded upwards. So you can take the two corners above (in the lower half pastry) and fold them towards you for the result below. Take your thumb and press the excess dough together to seal the samosa. I have heard that brushing an egg onto the dough helps to seal the dough but I didn't notice any real difference when I did this and when I didn't. Just try to smooth everything down as much as you can so it beomes one solid shell.

For a traditional samosa, simply deep fry these in a pan of oil. (We use olive oil becuase it makes us feel slightly better about the indulgence.) These are best served with a nice mint chutney (I will post a recipe for that soon).

Since the prep work for the dough and filling can take a little bit of time, I just like to make a whole bunch and freeze them so I can whip them up quickly for any surprise guests we might get. It might be good to start with smaller batches until you tweak the recipe to get it just the way you want though! I made beef samosas using this same basic recipe but substitute beef for potatoes and cook for a bit longer so the beef is well done. I also made the samosas about half the size for the beef ones and reduced the filling accordingly.

I hope you have fun trying out this recipe as the weather starts to get colder. I would love to hear any tricks or tips you have for making samosas.

Party Favors for Adults

2011-09-12T06:46:00.000-07:00

When I was little, the best parties were the ones that I would get a goodie bag at the end. It was fun to see my friends and play with them but nothing compared to the feeling of biting into a piece of candy and its sugary goodness erupting in my mouth.

I always hear adults saying kids don't know how good they have it with voices dripping in envy. But the funny thing about being an adult is that we get to decide how to live our lives. We obviously can't have all the joys of childhood but we can have a lot of them. We can stay up as late as we want, we can have sleepovers with our friends, we can run through sprinklers and we can look at the world as something beautiful and new. Kids take the time to appreciate and value the small, fun things. So, when we envy the joy of little kids, we are the only ones stopping ourselves from having that same joy. And we can do lots of things little kids can't! We can eat cake for breakfast whenever we want. We can get on a plane and see the world. We can We have it pretty good.

But, I digress from the original point of this post which is to share a fun favor I recently made for a party which I hope my guests liked and which I had a blast making. I knew I wanted to do a party favor and since I have been getting into baking, I wanted to share my new hobby with my guests. I decided to give out cupcakes

I used the dark chocoalte recipe in America's Test Kitchen, the peanut butter frosting recipe found here and used organic rasberry jam for the center filing. I added a little Ghiradelli butterscotch chip in the center of the cupcake to bring it all together.

If you are going to give out cupcakes as gifts, you need something to give them in! I did some googling to see where bakeries or other DIYers got their boxes and ended up ordering my boxes and inserts from here. I ordered these, these and these.

Since I was having my party during Ramadan to break the fast, I wanted to tie that in as well. I created these little cards using an excerpt from an article I had read earlier in the day encouraging people to donate towards the Somalian food crises. I printed the cards on cardstock which I ordered from here.

I searched far and wide for Ramadan cards but didn't find anything I liked, so I used this cute image below from Pinterest and just copied it to Word and using a text box and Old Typewriter font, which you can download for free here, I created my own little Ramadan card.

Finally, I need something to tie everything together, literally. I have been seeing a lot of presents tied with twine and fell in love so I ordered some here. I wasn't really in love with this stuff and the actual color is much more brown than yellow as you can see below but then again, I accidentally ordered hemp when I wanted twine. I learned my lesson and have found great twine since then but for the boxes, the hemp actually worked out fine

Here they are all set up for the guests with Teddy Roosevelt keeping guard.

A week later, we had another party and using the same idea, I created the boxes below. I used cake box mix and frosting because making the cupcakes took me forever the first time around. I think the ideal approach is to use cake mix for the cupcakes but homemad frosting. That way you save a lot of time without sacrificing on taste.

I used the pink boxes this time.

Have you been making any favors lately? Have you gotten any that you loved?

Making sense of murder.

2011-09-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

Give sorrow words;

the grief that does not speak

Whispers the o'er-fraught heart

and bids it break.

(Shakespeare)

In the village that I was born, there was a murder this week. A dispute went too far and a group from a nearby village killed a young man that lived close to where I was born. After the group of brothers murdered him, they called the boy's father and said, "Come collect your son's body. We have killed him."

A few weeks ago, we read the papers and there was a story about a husband and wife walking home with their son when the husband and wife were gunned down. The wife died and the husband suffered minor injuries. What was first considered a racially motivated attack turned out to be a murder plot, orchestrated by the husband and his mistress.

A few weeks before that, there was the murder of three young men in Birmingham, UK during the riots in England. As these men tried to defend their town, they were run down by a car, none of them surviving.

These deaths have been on my mind. There is a sadness for the families of the people killed and a grieving for those moments before death when these people realized that this was how they were meeting their end. In violence. In hate. Their farewell drenched in the worst of this world.

What will we think of when we die? And will others think of us when they die? Is there a way to redeem that last moment for people who are about to die? A few years ago I was in a really bad car accident and I was sure that there would be no way I would survive. As car after car hit me, all I could think of was God and the people that I loved, begging God to have mercy on me and begging God to have mercy on them when they learned the news. I was scared but I was ok because truly in that moment I knew the love of God and I knew the love of all the people I held close.

We can't control what will happen to us and we can't end all violence and we certainly can't evade death. But we can help make each others time here easier. We can be kind. We can smile. We can make someone feel loved. We can ease someones burden. I.P. Richardson wrote of death:

‘Grieve not,
nor speak of me with tears
but laugh and talk of me
as if I was beside you….
I loved you so –
’twas heaven here with you.’

We can't stop all the horrible things in the world from happening. But through our love, we can help create something beautiful here on earth. That is something.

Black Thumb

2011-07-09T12:46:00.000-07:00

I guess I didn't inherit my mother's green thumb.

Any ideas for kill-proof plants? I still have a dream of growing my own herbs and veggies one day. Help!

An old friend found again

2011-04-12T19:58:00.001-07:00

Today, after a long hiatus from my favorite poets, I visited Pabula Neruda. And in the middle of the day, I felt like I had gone away on a vacation, or walked on a lonely road at the edge of the world. I felt very far from where I was and I was reminded of how powerful good writing is. For the last six months, most everything I have been reading has been very technical. Even in my free time I find myself gravitating towards readings that are work related. But yesterday Feraz surprised me by having signed me up for a writer's conference that is happening this weekend at Johns Hopkins. Writing will never be my career, I will most likely never see my words in typeset at a bookstore and perhaps I will never write another 'novel' but writing has been my faithful companion from the time I learned to hold a pencil and today the echos of a great poet and the gentle caring of a husband have brought that old friend back into my life. As I reopen the sole lonely folder on my desktop called "stories," I leave you with one of my favorite Neruda poems.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Heaven

2011-04-11T16:13:00.001-07:00

Some people don't believe in God. Some people think that the 'power of prayer' is something to laugh at. Some people just don't want to believe. To those people I say, Go to Target. Walk down to the frozen foods section and tell me that there aren't Magnum bars in the freezer. After years of praying on it, Magnum bars are now available in the U.S. Don't ever give up hope.

Three Things I Can't Live Without

2011-03-19T18:49:00.000-07:00

When Feraz and I moved into our first grown-up home, we had to make lots of choices like what kind of furniture to buy, how to decorate and how we would run this ship. The most important decision we made was to keep our home as organic as possible. We buy organic foods, have organic towels, organic soaps and face wash and organic cleaning supplies. It is working out great and after living here for six months we have by and large maintained our organic lifestyle. Our skin glows, our conscience is clean and we break out in at least one musical number a day. The only problem in our otherwise blemish free life is that our house never feels clean.

If you have a desi mother you know what I'm talking about. I am talking about you can eat off anything in the house clean. I love that feeling. Organic and all natural cleaning supplies can get you to regionals but for real national level cleaning, you have to go to the aerosol can, environment killing, toxic filled things you grew up using. (Only a desi kid grows up with warm memories of their favorite cleaning supplies.)

So, here are my guilty pleasures for household supplies I can't live without.

Number Three: Drano Max Gel

Our home is near perfect but the one thing I can't stand is that the water starts to back up in both the upstairs sinks and baths. There is something unholy about taking a shower with filth gathering up around your feet. Worse is that once we were getting out of the shower, the water would sit there creating a ring of film in the baths and sinks. It was becoming a supreme pain in the butt to be constantly cleaning the sinks and baths. We tried regular Drano with no luck and I even stuck my hands down the drain to see if I could coax out whatever was in there but to no avail. Yesterday, Feraz went at the drains with Drano Max and some boiling water and glory of all glories, the water goes down swimmingly. I spent a good five minutes in the shower just watching how the water go down the drain. Its the simple things in life...

Number Two: Lysol Cling Clip-On 2in1 Toilet Bowl Freshener and Cleaner

Who likes a dirty toilet? Nobody! That's who. Not even a dirty toilet likes a dirty toilet. (PSA: If you google images "dirty toilet," be prepared to pay the consequences.)

Our Lysol clip-ons are on every toilet and because of them we almost never have to clean the toilets. Anything that prevents me from having to touch a toilet gets on my top three. Also, the bathrooms smell so amazing that I am convinced that they will be featured in a commercial in the future when scents can come out of the TV.

Number One: Scrubbing Bubbles!!!!!

There is nothing in the world better for your cleaning needs then Scrubbing Bubbles. They Really DO scrub so you don't have to. When I was a little kid, I used to look forward to cleaning the bathroom. There was such a satisfaction in spraying and spraying and seeing the big mounds of foam building. I would imagine that the big mounds were houses or mountains and I would imagine lots of little scrubbing village people living their merry lives in there. Then I would turn on the faucet and destroy them. I was a very healthy child.

I killed these adorable guys on a weekly basis. Twenty years later, it is still incredibly satisfying. If I had to live on a desert island with lots of dirty sinks and bathtubs and could only take one cleaning product, (It could happen.) I would take this can hands down.

So, these three guys are the reason that our house is no longer orgosher, (I think that term could definitely catch on.) It is a bit happier, and a lot cleaner. I hope you use some of these products and they bring you as much joy as they bring us.

Carrot Cake

2011-03-12T20:02:00.000-08:00

Do you remember the smell of cookies baking on weekends when you were a kid? Do you remember how excited you would get at the thought of your mom baking your favorite cake for your birthday? Or how comforting it was to have someone make you a pie when it felt like the whole world sucked?

I don't.

Although my mother is good at many things, she is no baker and growing up I saw more fudge stripe cookies than any sort of home baked goods. I started cooking at a young age but never really baked. When I was in law school, I tried my hands at baking cookies a few times to disastrous results. I was sure that my mom had killed any baking gene there might have been in our family and resigned myself to raising my children on Keebler products.

But everyday when I check my facebook I see photo after photo of people's success and I think if they can make a cake, why can't I?

Although I fully plan to be a tiger mother I realize that with thousands of how to videos available on the internet, there is no reason I can't become a master baker by the time my children have to start taking birthday cupcakes to class and effectively prevent my future children from blogging about how I never baked them a cake.

Last week I made these apple cupcakes/muffins which turned out ok (By ok I mean I only ate six of them on Sunday) but this week I wanted a bigger challenge and I wanted to correct some of the mistakes I made in last weeks baking adventure. I decided on carrot cake because it is my fave and also because we had a bag of organic carrots that had been sitting in the fridge for about three weeks. (They hadn't gone bad. I swear.)

I used the recipe in America's Test Kitchen cookbook. It is easy to follow and called for lots of gentleness. Gently mix the flour and spices, gently fold in the carrots, gently fluff the frosting. By the end, I thought my cake needed a therapist more than an oven.

Although the recipe didn't call for nuts, I remembered that every mile high carrot cake I had ever eaten included nuts and I remembered that they had been on the side of the cake so I decide to add that in. To figure out how to do it, I googled "how to stick nuts on the side of a cake." That led me to this website and although the name baking911 really spoke to me, all the pink, red and schizophrenic fonts was too much for me and I quickly hit the back button. The next website had too many words but as I scrolled down I saw this picture which was all I needed. Falling the smack the thing you want on the side of your cake method, I was able to get the result I wanted.

For the final making my cake look like a real cake touch I used my recently purchased pastry bag to make a squiggly thing around my cake. To learn how to do this, I googled "how to make a squiggly thing around a cake." I ran into a website that was called "Directions for Decorating a Tinkerbell Birthday Cake." I decided to wing it. Making the squiggly thing was actually really easy and I did it in about 12 seconds. I think if I had taken 30 seconds, it would have looked better but all I could think of was how badly I wanted to eat my cake so I didn't spend enough time smoothing the frosting, nicely putting on the nuts or making an even squiggly line. That did not take away from how awesome the cake tasted so I win(ning).

The best thing about making the cake at home was that I was able to use all organic ingredients and was able to use the "light" recipe which cut out half the fat and calories. It still tasted amazing as is evidenced by how much we have already eaten.

The moral of this post? With google, all things are possible.

Decorating Fever

2011-01-17T10:09:00.000-08:00

Ever since moving to the new place I have been obsessed with reading home decorating blogs. Although our place is a long way from where I want it to be, it has been fun to start getting settled in. Now that winter is in full-gear, (Although DC winter has been laughable so far for this Michigander.) most of us are spending a lot more time at home and its a perfect opportunity to give your home a little pick me up or just have something fun to read while you surf the internet for hours... not that I would ever surf the internet for hours.

My go to blog when I'm looking for a cheaper version of something that I am in love with but am not ready to spend $3,000 on is copycatchic. Every day she finds a great piece and then points you in the direction of a much, much cheaper version. For instance, she recently found a knock-off of an amazing $5,000 DWR lamp for $300 including delivery! Unfortunately we have way too much lighting in our apt already or I would have picked that up in a heartbeat.

For general styling tips or room decorating ideas I can count on littlegreenotebook. Jenny, the blogger, used to just blog for fun but so many people wanted to hire her as a decorator that she was able to parlay it into her full time job. (In fact, I think that was the case for all the bloggers I talk about in this post. Pretty cool, huh?) Hers was the first blog I read and I went through the whole thing in just a few days! She also throws in some cute stories about her three little girls and has great ideas for little kids rooms.

My favorite blog of the moment is younghouselove. These are just you regular dick and jane (or sherry and john in this case) who take on massive home remodeling projects without having any formal training. They post about lots of little quick projects you can do around the house to really turn it around but then also post about redoing a full bathroom and other really big projects. They learn as they go and are trying to make the point that home improvement is something anyone can do with a little trial and error.

So every morning the first thing I do is pour my first cup of coffee and see what these ladies (and one gentlemen) are serving up. The blogs are a fun and relaxing retreat and a great resource for anyone who feels like they have been having the un-cozy home blues.

Who wants to live forever?

2010-11-21T22:28:00.001-08:00

A good way to spend four minute of your day.

Book Reviews

2010-11-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

Book#4: The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz

I love the tone of this book. It is fun and exciting and sexy and made me want to keep reading. . Diaz's style is accessible and he never harps on any one character so long that you get tired.

I love, love, love reading books about the Dominican. The country's history is so complex and heartbreaking. Julia Alvarez is one of my favorite authors and In the Time of Butterflies she recounts the brave story of the Mirabel sisters. They are often referenced here; their stories mentioned within the cruel context of the Dominican Dictator Trujillo.

The story is told with the backdrop of a fuku or curse that has fallen on our protagonist's family and the zafa or counter-curse that he narrator is trying to use to rid the original fuku. Although this was the whole context of the book, I didn't like the consequence and felt that the characters, the story and the history in this book could have easily carried themselves without what I'm sure is a relevant part of the culture but came off as a bit of a gimmick.

Rating: 7.1/10

Book #5: The House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III

I always feel a bit foolish when I am walking around reading a book that has an "Oprah's Book Club" label on it but the last time I was the library bookstore, I couldn't find many things I liked and ended up grabbing about five books from Oprah's selections so you have many book club reviews to look forward to.

Most people who saw me reading this book had seen the movie and had lots of good things to say about it, so if you are not much of a reader you may want to check that out instead. It's been a long time since I've really just appreciated story telling. I loved how Dubus paints a story in which everyone is a villain and no one is a villain. He somehow captures that fine balance between the meaningfulness and meaninglessness of our choices. He demonstrates how the choices we make that change our life are often made uncertainly, without clarity or a definitiveness. But their consequences define us completely. They can lead to death or a life seemingly wasted as was the case with the characters in House of Sand and Fog.

So, despite what I am about to say, I really liked this book and would recommend it.

The more I read fiction, the more I am beginning to see patterns in writing. Formulas seem apparent and even with the best of writing, there tends to come a point in the book, usually about three quarters in, when I want to throw it against the wall, find the author and yell at him/her because they have ruined a story I was really, really loving.

I was afraid I was going to start skimming through the last pages of the book but Dubus finishes so strongly. In the last pages you can feel the tragedy wrapping around you and slowly bringing you down, forcing you to understand the intense sadness and emptiness in some lives.

Great Read!!

Rating: 8.5/10

The Happiest Day of My Life

2010-10-31T11:34:00.000-07:00

My mom always tells a story that both makes us laugh and horrifies us. It is about the happiest day of her life. She always starts off my making sure we know that she is not qualifying the story. She says, 'That happiest day of my life wasn't when I got married, or when I had my kids or when I came to America. Nope. It wasn't any of those days. The best day of my life was the day that I got my driver's license." She might clap her hands or be laughing when she recounts this story because that is how happy it makes her to think about it. She talks about the sense of freedom she had that day. Her whole life changed in a magical, beautiful way.

I never thought I would be able to look at my life and say there was one happiest day. How would I recognize it? What would it look like? Would it smell different? Would it have a special taste? I assumed the day would be full of signs, of laughter, of lots of big, crazy things, like that one scene in that terrible movie 500 Days of Summer when Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character is walking down the street with everyone singing and dancing and there is a blue cartoon bird over his shoulder.

My perfect day was nothing like that. It started at seven in the morning when I woke up after four hours of sleep in the horrible Crowne Plaza (Never stay at the Crowne Plaza in Albany! It was awful!). I went outside and the first drops of rain began to fall on a bitterly cold morning. I pulled my suit jacket close around me and did not get any warmer.

I walked as fast as I could to get to the meeting room where I would wait for almost three hours until they reached the Ys and I could give my interview. A few minutes later a piece of paper was signed declaring me to be of good moral character and qualifying me to take my oath of admission. And in those moments before I took my oath, I began to think of all the things I can never forget.

I will never forget that little village I came from. I will never forget all my family there and especially my parents who brought us to America so we could have a chance to be something. And not just something, they always supported me to be what it was that I wanted. And before my parent's boast that I am a lawyer, they say that I care about women's issues and one day I will help women all over the world.

I will never forget all the places I have traveled and all the faces I have seen. I will never forget all the little children and all those little eyes that hold dreams and potential and power, that if unleashed could change the world. If someone would just give them a chance. I will never forget that it is a simple twist of fate that separates them from me.

I will never forget that day in the fall of 2005 when a big envelope came from the University of Michigan and I knew that my life would change forever and I thanked God for this chance and I begged Him to never let me forget the feeling of gratitude I felt in that moment and to make me worthy of this blessing.

I asked the same of Him on Friday. As I took the oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States and as I joined a profession I have dreamed of joining since I was a young child, as most people in the room looked bored or annoyed to have to take part in this arcane seeming ritual, I tried not to cry and I asked that I may be worthy of the blessing I am receiving and when I am working late nights and weekends I remember that this is not a burden but the fulfillment of a dream I have long wished to realize.

It is not the happiest day of my life only because of what happened in it, but because of what it represents about the roads that I have walked on and the hope it can bring for the roads I still have to travel. It is a day that helps me understand my mother's own happiest day. One that wasn't tied to marriage or family or expectations. It was a day that was her own and signified something about the roads on which she had traveled and still had yet to see. After all these years, I can finally understand that look on her face and the excitement with which she tells her story.

Nowhere Boy

2010-10-23T10:57:00.001-07:00

Last year Feraz and I went to Liverpool where we had the chance to go on the Magical Mystery Bus Tour which took us to the houses where the Beatles grew up in and to the places which inspired some of their most well known songs.

The bus tour stopped for many awesome photo opportunities, such as this one.

Some things I wish I hadn't seen, like Strawberry Field which took some of the charm of the song away.

The tour gave us some insight into the childhoods and lives of the Beatles but it didn't begin to compare to the movie we just saw. Last night we went to see Nowere Boy - a great film that gives fans a look into the young life of John Lennon. Whether you are a Beatles fan or not, this is a great film to check out.

From the perspective of a fan it was interesting to see what may have made Lennon the way he was. From the perspective of a normal person navigating life, it was amazing to see the challenges and hardships Lennon had as a young kid. From the death of his favorite uncle, who was like his father, on his birthday to finding out his mom who had abandoned him had lived just down the street his whole life, we witness the personal turmoil that Lennon was enduring at the same time that he first fell in love with music.

A young McCartney and Harrison also appear in the film and one of the most moving scenes in the film takes place at Lennon's mom's wake ceremony. Lennon is struggling to deal with the unexpected death of his mother who he was just getting to know and he has a violent outburst and storms out of the wake. Paul runs after him outside and John punches him, knocking him down. Immediately recognizing his wrongdoing he helps Paul up and they break down crying- Paul having also recently lost his mother to cancer. The camera zooms out showing them standing in the middle of the street holding each other and crying.

During that scene I am struck by the magnitude of their relationship. It was born when they were both so young and through that tragedy and so many others they were in each others lives. They rose to the top together, they were amazing collaborators and then their relationship crumbled. At one point Paul wrote Too Many People in which he says "Too many waiting for that lucky break, That was your first mistake, You took your lucky break and broke it in two." John retaliated with How Do You Sleep in which he sings "The only thing you've done was Yesterday, and since you've gone you're just another day."

It's quite heartbreaking to think that they never had a chance to reconcile after watching the birth of their relationship in Nowhere Boy. I hope you'll go check it out and in the meantime, enjoy this video montage.

To the Lighthouse

2010-10-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

Book #3: To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf

This is considered one of the best novels of the 20th century by many critics so I feel like a bit of an idiot for not liking it more. Woolf is not one of my favorite feminist novelists but I find myself quoting her all the time. Her suicide note, which I know I have noted on here before, always breaks my heart.

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V"

I always read her work with this quote in mind and the awareness that I am reading someone who lived for her work and was a very conflicted individual. She has iconic lines such as "Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself." or "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction." It is hard not to want to love her work but I always struggle with her books.

Part I of the novel draws you into the lives of the Ramsey's and their friends, particularly focusing on Mrs. Ramsey. You follow their lives for one afternoon and by the end you feel very, very close to some of the characters. But in Part II, without any warning, Mrs. Ramsey is killed off and the home that you spent the last 80 pages in has fallen into despair. I love how Woolf did this. It immediately had the effect of making me realize how brief and trivial life is. (Though I'm not sure this was Woolf's intention.) The tables she dusted, the home that she took such meticulous care of is gone. The woman that so many of the characters were mesmerized or tortured by is dead.

Read If: You like really clever social commentaries. I love the passages in the book where Woolf has us listen in on the internal dialogue of several of the characters during dinner. It is so well done and probably not that far off from what happens at diner parties, even now.

Don't Read If: You like stories that move along and don't have too much philosophical introspection. Although I read a lot, I am not the best reader. I often don't focus enough, so I depend on the author doing some of the work for me. For this book, I had to read the sparknotes after to understand what I was supposed to take away from it.

Overall, I can easily see why this book received the acclaim that it did but it was just not for me.

Rating: 6/10

Moving and Prejudice

2010-10-04T09:27:00.001-07:00

"I like to see a man proud of the place in which he lives. I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him." -Abe

A few weeks ago, Feraz and I went to DC to look for a place to live. I went in with a twenty-two point checklist that I have been drafting in my mind since I was six. I have always wanted my own home and although we are just renting, this is the first place I will ever live in that everything in it will be mine. The excitement levels were off the charts.

Soon after we arrived into DC my twenty-point list was given a reality check akin to what someone might experience when entering the marriage market.

On the second day of searching for apartments we found something right next to the JCC that we liked. There was no exposed brick, no loft- in fact it was a basement apartment. I cringed at the thought! But at the time, it was the best we had seen and we felt good as we drove to our next viewing.

Not knowing the streets of DC very well, I booked the next appointment in a place we probably wouldn't have ordinarily considered. As we drove past broken windows, boarded up buildings, out-of-business commercial properties and lots of people loitering outside, I groaned that we would have to keep the appointment but we should probably just consider the apartment we had already seen.

We arrived at the rowhouse which looked nice enough on the outside. But inside. My God, the inside was beautiful. Amazing hardwood floors throughout. A massive kitchen with an over sized oven. A dining room which I could put a beautiful green hutch in.

It was love. But like with the sissy desi kid who walks away from the one girl he ever really lowed because he knows his parents will never approve, I left the house not even considering it. I laughed to Feraz that we had a perfect location with the first place and a perfect apartment with this place- now we just had to find both things in one package. And by laughed, I mean I cried.

The next morning I woke up at the crack of dawn (being about 10 am for me) and did what any reasonable person would do. I called the Metropolitan Police Department. Lo and behold! There is a service, available here where you can find a crime map for any address in DC. The crime statistics for the address we were worried about were considerably lower than the other areas we were looking in like Chinatown and comparable to Dupont, which was originally our ideal location. After that, our decision was made and we never looked back.

Although we have made some progress, classism, racism and elitism still rule the day. I see it in many people in my profession and even in peers. I think as young professionals we all are so busy trying to look impressive, to have the right address, and to believe in some false sense of security that we shirk our responsibilities to our communities. This is especially relevant for us Michigan folk. Take Detroit for instance. It can be something glorious but we have to be the architects of that change. Recently some of my friends have moved to Detroit in an effort to do something about a problem most of us Michiganders just like to complain about. They have made a choice to be agents of change in that community. They have inspired me to do something in my new home. This is a city where people make a point to avoid certain streets but simultaneously complain about how gentrification is pushing poor people out. We lament that this is the capital of one of the greatest nations and to just look at it as we put on our suits and try not to make eye contact with anyone who might look poor.

I don't know how you reduce poverty, how you increase integration or generally make the world a better place. But I do know that if we are going to move forward as a civilization we have to think deeply and we have to think honestly about what dictates the choices we make.

On that Wednesday morning we made the decision to take the place in the neighborhood that initially almost made us turn our car right around. Having moved here now, I know that we made the right choice.

Gender and Status Messages

2010-10-01T17:57:00.000-07:00

If your husband makes dinner, takes care of the kids, does some cleaning in the house- that is NOT a reason to post a giddly schoolgirlish facebook status update.

Do you ever wonder why women still have such a shitty lot when we make up half the population? I mean it makes sense in some parts of the world but in America women are as or more educated than men (more women earned phDs last year than men), have significant economic capital and live in a society where there is no real need to be attached to a man. (Although there is social pressure, most of it is self-imposed by women on themselves)

Yet, we make less money, have less prestige in the workforce and carry the majority of the burden of managing the home, even when we are working. Many women shirk promotions or leave their careers all together because they can no longer balance their work and personal responsibilities.

When I look around at the couples in the South Asian community that I am part of, a fair deal of the women are now making more than their husbands. (Not because they are higher paid in their respective fields in comparison to men, but because they are in higher paying fields than their husbands.) But when it comes to one partner having to leave the work-force when it is time to have a family, it is the woman who does. Or both will continue to work and use a third party to help with child-rearing responsibilities. But what I don't see is men leaving their jobs, even in the cases that it makes economic sense to do so.

I know women who LOVE being homemakers. I can completely understand that. In fact, I would love to be a homemaker one day. I think it is an admirable role in our society and I also think it can be a lot of fun for people who are suited for it. So, this isn't an issue of men should be doing this, this and this and women should be princesses and not have any role. Every individual should play a meaningful part in society but to the extent possible, this role should not be externally determined.

So, ladies before you post how awesome your husband is for making dinner, think of whether you want to to keep feeding a system in which men's participation in the private sphere is praised and continues to be seen as a one-off opposed to being just one more part of being equal partners in a relationship.

Don't Believe the Cynics

2010-09-29T18:41:00.001-07:00

Today, I showed up to my hair appointment at Aveda in Ann Arbor and was soon told that there had been a scheduling mistake and they wouldn't be able to see me. I thought, oh bummer but didn't worry about it too much. The lady asked if I wanted to reschedule and I said I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fit it in but I'd let her know. She said, well whenever you come back we'll do your full service free of charge. Wow! Talk about customer service. I'll be back there tomorrow!

After the salon, Feraz and I headed over to an antique shop to browse around. I found the cutest sugar and creamer set. I quickly picked it up to go show Feraz and just as I was showing him how cool it was, the sugar holder fell from my hands and broke into many irreparable pieces. I panicked and looked up at the lady working at the store and said "I'll buy it!" She just laughed and insisted that we didn't need to buy it quickly whisking the damaged goods away so I wouldn't have to be reminded of my mistake. Every time I tried to apologize, she just laughed it off.

I am constantly amazed by how beautiful life is.

The Secret Life of Bees aka PUKEFEST

2010-09-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd

4.4/10

I had heard a lot of good things about this book and was excited to read it. As I started reading, I really didn’t see anything special about it and by the end I was downright annoyed at wasting my time. Part of the problem was that I only read about 70% of the book, often finding myself skimming over sickly sweet passages and sometimes even skipping pages all together because I couldn’t handle any more of the tiring prose. Part of me wants to say that I just couldn’t relate to the 14 year-old narrator but that isn’t fair to the many books with young narrators that I love such as A Wrinkle in Time or I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. As I was reading the book, I couldn’t quite figure out why I disliked it so much but it became very clear to me when I went to the Amazon reviews for the book after reading it. I have quoted the review that most spoke to me below in the “Don’t Read If” section below. Overall this book seemed an insult to my intelligence and a fine example of poor writing and the commercialization of fiction.

Read If:

Even with all its faults I still think this is a good book for teenage girls. (as long as you explain to them this is not a good portrayal of life in the South during the 60s) Lily struggles with issues of abandonment, low self-esteem and loneliness which I think are very contemporary issues. She resolves these struggles by accepting that mothers come into our lives in many forms.

“If all you want from a novel is a simple, entertaining read with a happy ending, then please run --don't walk-- to buy The Secret Life of Bees.”

Don’t Read If:

“I cannot imagine African-American women having the slightest interest in this story. It is a white child's Uncle Remus fantasy, and it makes me sad that readers could possibly imagine it would be meaningful to women of color. Most would find it tiresome and even offensive.”

“This was South Carolina in the 1960's, how in the world would a white girl have lived with these black women for all that time? How would she have managed to drive around with a black boy and not be pulled over by the police or caused him to be strung up? How did these black women never say a thing to her about getting involved with him? They would have lived under Jim Crow for too many years to have not seen it as a safety issue. And how did these black women (and their female ancestors) manage to keep this land and honey business going, all the while selling to white people? No one ever came to harass them, used racial slurs, nothing? Where was that struggle? There were probably some places August couldn't have even walked the front door of, much less convinced to sell her products. It just became more and more ludicrous to me as the book went on. Scenes in the beginning of the book showed a small portion of what it was like to be black in the south, but in general there was a lack of racial awareness and seemingly a knowledge of history on Ms. Kidd's part that frustrated and angered me.”

Discovering Saramago

2010-09-11T09:34:00.000-07:00

I came across Blindness by Jose Saramago in a Turkish bookstore. It was on a table that hosted classics such as Crime and Punishment and Pride and Prejudice. I had read just about every book on this table but had never even heard of Blindness.

I usually only bought books from the used stands in Istanbul because full priced English books were so expensive. I was very hesitant to drop about 18 dollars for a book that I could probably buy on Amazon for 5. But deciding that 13 dollars was a fair price to pay for entertainment and enlightenment I went ahead and bought the book.

Jose Saramago is a celebrated Portugese writer who sadly died just a few months ago. He didn't publish his first novel until he was sixty and after that he wrote many works that were recognized for their brilliance all over the world.

Read if:

-You are interested in reading an author that shuns conventions. Saramago writes however he wants to (he uses commas instead of periods, uses run on sentences and paragraphs can go on for pages) and creates a world completely his own in Blindness. His characters aren't named and his writing is as much social commentary as it is anything else.

-You like to think about what base human nature is and want one person's interpretation of that.

Don’t read if:

-You don't like writers who go off on tangents.

-You are squeamish as there are some horrifying passages and Saramago forces us to accept what humans can and will do in desperate times.

-You get obsessed over plot holes. If you hated Inception, you won't like this book.

Rating: 7.7/10

Book Reviews!

2010-09-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

So, last August I started with a goal of reading one autobiography a week and it evolved into something pretty different. I grew tired or reading autobiographies for a few reasons. When I'm traveling it is hard to find autobiographies I want to read and usually they are so big that they are a hassle to lug around. (I'm not sold on the kindle-like things business.) Also, since I was writing non-fiction, supposedly it is better to read other good non-fiction to help you become a better writer. It made sense so I decided to take that advice. Finally, I was just getting sick of reading people's life stories. I needed a change. Although I didn't stick to my initial goal in the end I read much more than I have in the last few years and have rekindled my love for reading.

And as cheesy as this will sound, and it will sound VERY cheesy, as many places as my travels took me this past year and a half, none compare to the places I visited through books. Books are really and truly a magical thing.

Below is a recap of the books I read. In the beginning I was still expecting to write a review of what I'd read but as you'll see- that didn't happen. Disclaimer: Many of these reviews are not pretty.

12: This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzerald- 5/5
Although I have read this book many times, it is always worth another read. Who knows if we will ever see the likes of an Amory Blaine again in the literary world? According to Wikipedia, this book made Fitzgerald famous overnight. The initial printing sold out in three days and just ten days later he was married to the love he lost in the book!

It's interesting to read books that are memoirs veiled as novels. Whenever I sit down for the writing process I'm not sure how much I'm allowed to borrow from the real world. In one sense, it is all borrowed from the real world.

13: Russian Debutante's Handbook by Gary Shteyngart: 3.8/5 - I read this book at the recommendation of my friend Jordan and also because it was one of three books in his flat when I visited. It was entertaining and perfect accompaniment to a week in Belgium.

14:The Global Soul by Pico Iyer: 4.1/5 - There were so many passages from this book that I really loved or related to. The begining was full of fascinating tid bits but as the book wore on I wanted to take out an editing pen and cut out chapters all together.

The author is ethnically Indian, with a British accent, raised in the US and London and now living in Japan. All these various identity markers have left him feeling somewhat like he has no place in the world to call home and no sense of belonging.

Iyer discusses the dilemma of the global soul. He tells the stories of friends who fly over 150 days of the year, those who have won the ‘ultimate frequent flyer’ contest and are given one month of unlimited global travel.

Increasingly, we have friends like that. Friends who are never in one place, who travel all week long for work, who have offices scattered all over the world, for whom home because a word that invites a chuckle.

And perhaps more commonly we all have friends like Feraz, who was born of Indian parents in Wales, grew up in London, moved to the mid-west of the United States for half his life and now shares his time between London and Istanbul. (Strikingly similar to Iyer’s background except he now spends his time in Japan)

Iyer tells many stories that an immigrant can relate to. When you go back home and meet people that think that because you are American you are salvation in human form. That you can take them to America too. You nod your head in the beginning. Saying, insha’Allah, God willing, trying not to let your eyes cast with insinceeity betray you.

We create these extremely unnatural lives and then we have to go to extremes to compensate for them. We criss-cross across the world, we move and move until the idea of home is completely foreign.

15: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time: 4.4/5- good quick read. takes real skill to write a book from the perspective of the boy.

16: Running With the Family by Michael Ondaatje: 3.7/5- The memoir of the author of the English Patient. pretty well done.

17: Son of the Circus by John Irving- 4/5- really interesting look into India. didn't hate it as much as I dislike most south asian lit.

18. No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July- 4.5/5- great quick read with quirky stories.

19. Natasha and Other Stories by David Bezmozgis- 4/5- another great book of short stories

20. A Wrinkle in Time by Madelieine L'Engle- 5/5 - classic- no need to elaborate

21. Consider the Lobster and Other Essays by David Foster Wallace- 5/5- especially loved Up Simba- McCain rules!

22. Chekhov: Collected Works by Anton Chekhov- 5/5! my introduction to Chekhov- absolutely loved him- there is no short story writer that touches him today.

23. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitgerald- 5/5- i highly recommend reading old favorites or old things you were forced to read in high school. totally different experience this time around.

24. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky - 3.8/5- i liked it... but i didn't. took me ages to read.

25. In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan- 5/5- must read!!!! it should change the way you eat and approach food in the West

26. The Surgeon of Crowthorne: A tale of murder, madness and the love of words by Simon Winchester- 5/5! incredibly amazing to read about the great pains it took to create the first oxford english dictionary

27 El Diego: The Autobiography of the World's Greatest Footballer by Diego Maradona- 5/5- the title says it all doesn't it?

28. Bit of a Blur by Alex James- 5/5- quick read and an interesting look at the highs and lows of being a rockstar

29. Bliss: A Novel- O.Z. Livaneli- 5/5 - one of the best and most honest depictions of Istanbul I have read yet.

30. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath- 4.2/5- loved her biography and was a bit disappointed by this in comparison

31. Who Ate All the Pies? The Life and Times of Mick Quinn by Mick Quinn- 3.8/5- good read but really vulgar at times. made me kind of hate soccer at points

32. A Long Way Gone-Memoirs of a Boy Soldier by Ishmael Beah- 5/5- a great look into the war in Sierra Leone and the makings of a boy soldier

33. The Devil and Miss Prynn by Paulo Coelho- 3.6/5- my problem with Coelho is that he is too obvious. there seems to be no art to his writing.

34. The Zahir by Paulo Coelho- 3.4/5- eh- not a huge fan

35. The Eye by Vladamir Nabokov - 4/5 quick read- good read

36. The Life of Insects by Victor Pelevin and Andrew Bromfield- 3.5/5- loved it at parts but felt like i was pushing through a lot of it

37. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man by James Joyce: 1/5 only Joyce I've read so far- didn't like it

38. The Journals of Anais Nin: Volume 4 by Anais Nin: 5/5!! (Although at some points you think okkk i get it!)

39. Homage to Catalonia by George Orwell- still reading but won't likely finish now i have more access to books i really want to read

40. Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez- 5/5- loved it.

41. 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez: 5/5- what a great journey!

42. Reconciliation: Islam, Democracy and the West by Benazir Bhutto: 4.5/5- although i always talk about how much I can't stand the Bhuttos- every time i read one of Benazir's books, I have to give her mad intelligence props.

43. Confessions of an Economic Hit Man by John Perkins: 4.2/5- this book has its critics but still pretty bone chilling and interesting at points

There are some books I missed so I probably hit around 48 which was not too far off my goal but want to make sure to get to 50 this year. Also, this time I am keeping the categories open and want to be more consistent of writing my thoughts down afterwords. I hate the idea of reading without reflecting. It seems like half the fun of reading is gone then. I am at about four books for this year and hopefully I'll get to writing about them verrrry soon!

On Dying and Living

2010-08-18T01:45:00.000-07:00

In the earliest hours of this morning I learned one of my colleagues had to fly back to America because her sister who has cancer may be in the final stages. Today is her birthday. For the last week we have been talking about the party she was supposed to have tonight. Yesterday, another colleague and I went to choose her present and today none of that matters.

I am reminded of an email a good friend sent to me last year. It was the blog of her friend who was diagnosed with cancer at twenty-four, shortly after moving to Hong Kong where he was working in international finance. His story felt so close to home because I could identify with so many of his feelings and appreciate his anecdotes about Michigan from which he was an alumnus.

The other week I thought of all the stolen days and moments of our lives. The ones that are stolen by our anger, our impatience and the ugly parts of ourselves. The ones that we will look at when the end of our life is near and wish we could do over. When death is always around us, how are we still so careless with life?

When my friend sent me the link to the blog she wrote, "One of Naweed's last goals was to keep a blog that would inspire and motivate others to see the things that matter." Reading Naweed's blog taught me so much and helped me "see" in a way I could never have without him sharing his amazing story. May he rest in peace and may you too see the beauty and inspiration of his story.

http://survivorjourney.blogspot.com/search/label/It%20Begins

Also, I hope you can keep my friend's sister and her family in your good thoughts and prayers.

World Cup Reflections

2010-07-12T07:01:00.000-07:00

The streets of Istanbul were filled with the sound of vuvuzelas.. There were cheers and groups of people dancing and celebrating all down Istiklal. We watched the game in a bar in Nevizade, filled almost exclusively with our friends, among who there were just a few lone Dutch fans.

This was my first World Cup. I watched almost every game and went from supporting the US to Argentina and finally Spain. There were extreme highs like when the US qualified for the round of 16 at the 91st minute and extreme lows as watching Maradano and his crushed teams’ grief stricken faces as they saw their World Cup dreams die.

I celebrated this great event as I read articles about how the World Cup brought joy to the poorest of people, reading one poignant headline that said, “For the Poor, Soccer is Everything” and it made my heart happy that this wonderful challenge gave such joy to some people who had nothing. And then I hated the game when I read about over 300 incidents of domestic violence on the night of England’s defeat and later the murder allegations against the Brazilian goalie. I wondered what kind of values this testosterone filled sports was promoting.

South Africa brought pride to Africa by hosting an amazing World Cup. Their economy surely benefitted and a great sense of pride is surely felt by the South African people. And then there are the oft forgotten stories of all those that were displaced and ostracized because of the World Cup.
Finally there were the hopes of a country who is facing its worse economic crisis with one in five people out of a job and the hopes of a country who apprehensively waited as their national team took their third attempt at being world champions.

There will be players and coaches who will bury their World Cup dreams in 2010 and there will be those who have already began to think about 2014.

So, who is in for Brazil?!

Nostalgia

2010-07-08T04:44:00.001-07:00

Life in Istanbul continues on. And I never stop feeling like I am living in some sort of beautiful dream. For the last five weeks we have had guests in the house and now that there is a short lull in visitors, there is time to breathe, reflect and feel that more personal connectedness with the city.

Most nights we take long, windy walks going down the same streets we have walked on hundreds of times now, each time still discovering something new but now with solid footing. I still feel slightly short of breath as I walk up the hill into the main square, I hold my nose as I pass the doner kebab stands (the dark meat never grew on me), and still laugh and smile at all the performers and the almost overwhelming sense that every type of humanity can be found on Istiklal.

It may be a bit preemptive but already I am missing this beautiful city. I find myself sitting at the kitchen table watching the endless stream of boats going by and coming to terms with the realization that like those boats I am just passing and soon these times in Istanbul will be a fond memory. I get scared by the notion that life might never be better than this. Not because this is not enough. This is everything I could hope for but that instead as life passes by, I will always be looking with eyes to the past towards some definition of perfection that has already been achieved but can't be duplicated.

But that is a negative way to look at things. Instead, I will aspire to be like Anais Nin who said, "I tend to feel negatively about nostalgia; I think we go back when we feel stunted in the present life. People who are nostalgic have known something good in the past and want to pick it up again;...I don't have that nostalgic craving. Each cycle of my life interested me equally, but I have no desire to go back to any of them."

Quarter-Final Predictions

2010-07-02T00:59:00.001-07:00

Uruguay v. Ghana
I think every neutral wants Ghana to do well and give Africa something
to shout about by having a team in the World Cup semi-finals for the
first time. If you're not Uruguayan, you probably don't care what
happens to Uruguay and couldn't care less if they got knocked out
tomorrow. My heart wants Ghana to win, but my head says Uruguay are
just a little too good for the Africans. Uruguay are a well-organized
team and actually have the best World Cup record of any nation if you
take into account the size of their population, a paltry 3 million
people. They've won the World Cup twice, back in 1930 and 1950, but
haven't done better than the second round since 1970 until this years
competition. They're in the quarter-finals now, and you've got to
give them an edge over Ghana just based on pedigree alone. However,
Ghana are a dangerous team. They're strong, and fast, and have almost
boundless energy. Put that together with the support they'll get from
the fans in the stadium and you've got the makings of an upset.

Verdict
Very tough to call taking everything into account. You've got to
fancy Ghana's chances though if the match goes it into extra-time
because of their phenomenal levels of stamina. I think they just
might squeeze past Uruguay in a tense match which will go down to the
wire. Host nations have a history of performing well in World Cups,
and Ghana's basically the host nation now with the support of the
entire continent behind them. Ghana wins.

Brazil v. Holland
Two giants of the game promise an attacking match with plenty of goals
to keep everyone happy. Everyone knows Brazil are the best, they've
won the World Cup 5 times and look set to make South Africa 2010 World
Cup #6. However, they've still got a couple of matches to play before
even getting to the final and this match-up against Holland isn't
gonna be a walk in the park. Holland have been unstoppable so far,
having won all of their matches both qualifying for, and at the actual
World Cup. Could they cause an upset and beat Brazil to make it to
the semi-finals?

Verdict
Brazil don't play with the creativity and flair that we're used to
anymore. They still regularly win matches, but not with the panache
and style of yesteryear. Holland are chronic underachievers. They've
made it to the World Cup final twice, but lost both times to the host
nation. This might even turn out to be quite a stale match with both
sides canceling each other out. I'd like to see Holland advance, but
I just can't Brazil leaving the World Cup this early like in 2006.
Brazil wins.

Spain v. Paraguay
Verdict
Easy win for Spain. Nuff said.

Argentina v. Germany
Oooh...I'm licking my lips at this one! Germany were hugely
impressive against England, demolishing us 4-1, and Argentina have
been the best team at the tournament so far, easily seeing off the
likes of Mexico to keep their 100% record intact. Although he hasn't
scored, Messi's been making some nice plays and everything's set up
for him to dominate during the closing stages of the tournament. As I
wrote previously though, the best thing about Argentina is Maradona.
I just love that guy! Check out the way he wears his suit, and the
faces he makes, and just how GOD DAMN COOL HE IS. I really hope
Argentina win the World Cup so I can see him going mental in the
final!

Germany's young guns have proved to everyone that they're a force to
be reckoned with. They may not win the tournament this year, but they
will be hot as hell in future tournaments and will be very hard to
beat. One of their star performers has gotta be the Turk, Mesut Ozil.
You'll hear his name a lot in the coming years as he's bound to make
an impact in the Champions League sooner, rather than later. Germany
has the most diverse team at the World Cup with something like half
their team being dual nationals. England need to learn a thing or two
from them and start blooding some naturalized citizens in their team
too.

Verdict
Argentina wins in an entertaining match that'll be closer than you
think. As they proved against England, Germany are a real threat on
the counter-attack and Argentina will need to be wary of that danger
or face the consequences. Messi will shine, and Tevez will score.
Easy peasy.

History Repeating... and Not Repeating

2010-06-25T10:36:00.000-07:00

USA vs. Ghana
The US have had a good tournament, just. If they hadn't scored that last-gasp winner against Algeria I wouldn't be writing that but they did, and now they're playing Ghana for a place in the World Cup quarter-finals. The real reason I think they've had a good tournament is because they've been playing well and deserved to top Group C ahead of England. No doubt many Americans will feel that they shouldn't find it too difficult to get past Ghana. However, they'd be forgetting that in the last World Cup Ghana beat them in the group stage and kicked them out in shame. Ghana are a strong, fast side which the US will find difficult to beat.

Verdict
History repeats itself as Ghana again kicks the US out of the World Cup! By doing so, Ghana will become only the third African team to reach the World Cup quarter-finals following in the footsteps of Cameroon in 1990 and Senegal in 2002. This will go some way towards restoring some pride for the African teams which were expected to do better in this African World Cup.

England v. Germany
This is the big one, the biggest tie of the round, and it's going to be very, very close. With the way things have gone so far you'd have to think that Germany will take it. But England have been improving (they had to), and should give a good account of themselves. A lot of English fans are dreading this one because Germany always come out on top versus the English in major competitions. It's quite phenomenal really. But this is a one-off, and teams have to actually go out and win games if they want to go through. Winning on paper doesn't mean jack, just look at England in the group stage.

There are a number of factors which will play a part in deciding who eventually goes through. One of those is that bloody stupid ball, the Jabulani. The Germans have been playing with it in the Bundesliga, and so have a slight edge over the English who didn't see it until the World Cup. However, I don't think this will make a big difference as England have had plenty of time to get used to the ball now and should be able to control it at almost the same level as the Germans. It is not so inconceivable to see the English advancing when you look at this match in terms of the Bundesliga vs. the Premiership. German teams did better in Europe this year but on the whole, English teams do much better in Europe. If the English can bring the same verve and tenacity to this game that they did in their last match against Slovenia, then they should be able to take control of the game and win it.

Verdict
England wins! This should happen in normal time but it might go to extra-time and penalties. Rooney's been negatively affected by the altitude so far, but he should be back to his best for this one. England play better in big games, and they don't get much bigger than this. It's the last World Cup for many English players and this will play a part in the passion, drive, and commitment that the English players will show to knock out the Germans. I'd rather England play well, and lose; than they play like crap, and go through. COMON ENGLAND!

PS: If it does go to penalties, the English have been talking about picking a side of the goal and not changing that decision when taking a penalty. If the Germans do their homework right, they should know what that side is. The goalie can then throw the penalty taker off by covering that side of the goal more than the other. Will the English penalty taker still choose to shoot in his original direction when he's at such a disadvantage?

D-Day for Group C

2010-06-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Predictions:

England v. Slovenia: England are crap, very crap. So bad in fact, that I'd say they were involved in the worst match of the competition last time around when they drew 0-0 with Algeria. Slovenia on the other hand have been playing very well and should've beaten the US last time around when they went two goals up. So, everything points towards the Slovenians at least getting a draw and advancing to the next round. However, I just can't see England leaving South Africa this early in the competition. At some point they have to play better and get a result.

Verdict: England should come through with a win. I'm not sure if they'll play well, but they should just about do enough to make it through. The English heartache will have to wait for another day.

USA v. Algeria: Algeria still has a chance of advancing if they can beat the US so I don't think they're going to roll over without a fight here. Depending on how things go in the other match, the US really needs to win to be sure of qualification. This is gonna be a tense one. If the US can play like how they did in the second half of their last match the win is theirs. If it's anything less though, and if Algeria can somehow manage to up their game they might get eliminated.

Verdict: This is going to be really close and ultimately, the US will not be able to squeeze out the win that they need to advance. England will win the group by beating Slovenia, and Slovenia will qualify in second place. The US and Algeria are eliminated.

Proud to be an American

2010-06-19T00:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a day full of upsets. It started off with Germany losing 1-0 to Serbia. After thrashing Australia in their opening fixture, Germany had become many people's tournament favourites. They even missed a penalty which hardly ever happens.

Then came game #2 for the teams in Group C. The first match was the best of the tournament so far, the second the worst. Initially, the US started in the worst possible manner against Slovenia and were 2-0 down at the break. However, their manager had the balls to make a couple of changes at half time which paid dividends. The second half started with Landon Donovan in inspired form, scoring almost immediately. When that happened, you knew Slovenia were in trouble and the second half would be brilliant. Right after that goal, the US had a free kick which almost went in, that would've been some comeback with two goals in the first 5 minutes since the restart. Chance after chance came the US's way and Slovenia had to revert to a number of illegal challenges to stop the US scoring. They were handed 3 yellow cards in 6 minutes which meant that there could even be a sending off before the end of the match. That didn't happen, but the US did score, twice. 8 minutes from time the manager's son, Michael Bradley, finally got the goal that the US needed to stay in the World Cup. Can you imagine how his dad must have felt seeing that from the bench? Another 4 minutes later came another goal for the US. However the referee incorrectly ruled it offside and it was disallowed. If anything, the goal should've stood or the US should've been given a penalty as Slovenian players were holding back 3 Americans from scoring. The match finished 2-2.

There will be many Americans who'll feel the ref was paid or the game was fixed but wrong decisions are a part of the game in football unfortunately. There's no video replay so whatever the ref sees at the moment of play is the only thing he has to use to make a decision. Disallowing the last goal doesn't make any sense at all the more you see the replays. However, the US shouldn't have needed to score a third goal to beat Slovenia so you can also look at the poor US defending in the first half as the reason that this match slipped away from them. Whatever, the US still has a great chance of progressing provided there isn't another upset when they play Algeria in their last group match. England are in exactly the same position after their hugely disappointing 0-0 draw with Algeria later on in the same day. Both sides need to win their last group matches to be assured of qualification for the next round. Anything less than that will be a massive embarrassment, but at least the US will always have their match against Slovenia to look back upon and draw confidence from the way they fought back. They fought like bloody lions in the second half. Altidore in particular was a real handful, and gets the MOTM award for me. If he plays anything like this when he gets back to domestic football it'll be a real treat to watch.

I'm not gonna write much about England b/c I'm so disappointed with their performance yesterday. They're on the same number of points as the US but in terms of passion, they were worlds apart yesterday. Yesterday, the US team was hot as hell. If you're American, you can wave your flag with pride. The English on the other hand, must feel like burying their heads in the sand.

PS
-MOTM in the England game should go to David James in goal. He was a commanding presence and didn't put a foot wrong. At least one person had a good match.

-The US match was the first one that I've noticed where you could actually hear fans chanting and the crowd reacting to goals. That place must have been full of American fans.

We Heart Argentina

2010-06-18T00:47:00.000-07:00

Argentina will win the World Cup. There it is, that's my prediction.

After watching them annihilate a decent side yesterday, South Korea, they have to be one of the favourites and will probably top their group with a 100% record. South Korea are still likely to qualify for the second round which makes Argentina's demolition of them in the second half of their match all the more impressive. Messi was wicked, as expected, but the Argentinean forward line in general is hard to match, even by the Spanish. But the best thing about Argentina is their manager, Maradona.

MARADONA.IS.THE.MAN. Voted the best player in world ever by the public, he's now getting stuck into international management after going through an absolute nightmare trying to get Argentina into the World Cup. It's because of that nightmare qualifying campaign that many people doubt his abilities as a manager and wrote off Argentina as potential winners of the 2010 World Cup. Well he's proving them wrong now. I want Argentina to win this World Cup for his sake more than anyone else's since he was robbed at USA '94. However, should Argentina take the cup, it'll also prove to everyone that there is no doubt that Lionel Messi is the world's greatest footballing talent at this moment. Some people say you have to win a World Cup to be considered truly great (yes I'm talking about you Amir bhai) and I suppose they've got a point. Pele, Maradona, and Zidane have all got World Cups to their credit and I feel Messi should be placed in the same category as those players based on his career so far. Bad luck Rooney. You may be good, but you're not THAT good. Maybe England will win the World Cup with Rooney one day but that won't be this year. This year's all about Argentina.

Today's predictions:

England v. Algeria: I can't see this going any other way apart from an England win, and hopefully a comfortable win at that. Expect Gerrard to score again b/c he's wicked, and possibly Rooney as well (who also isn't bad ;).

Verdict: The English will think the World Cup is theirs for the taking with a 3-0 win.

USA v. Slovenia: The US is expected to win this one but right now Slovenia is topping the group after their win against Algeria. I don't think this'll be as easy as the US expect it to be and there could even be an upset in the cards with either a draw or a win for the Slovaks. I doubt Slovenia will win though since a loss would mean the US would be out of the World Cup and they will fight hard against that.

Verdict: Despite what I just wrote, the US should pick things up and squeeze through with a 1-0 win.

PS
Sumeera picked Argentina for the World Cup before the tournament even started. Credit where credit is due, she beat me to it! We're gonna look really dumb now if Argentina flop.

World Cup = Bore Cup

2010-06-17T03:42:00.000-07:00

The opening round of the World Cup ended with a bang with Switzerland, a mediocre European team, beating the pre-tournament favourites, Spain. About bloody time. This World Cup has been really boring so far. Almost every match is low scoring with with the end result either being 0-0, 1-1, or 1-0. Maybe the shock of Spain's loss will liven things up a bit. I still fully expect Spain to qualify for the next round, and even win the World Cup, but they'll have to do a lot better to do that. This loss doesn't suddenly mean that Spain can't be considered serious contenders for the World Cup, it was after all only their second loss out of 37 matches - a run which started shortly after exiting the last World Cup in 2006. They'll probably make up for this loss with a huge win in their next match.

And with Spain's loss (or Switzerland's win), the first round of matches came to an end. Now the real fun begins...I hope! Things started promisingly last night with a 3-0 win for Uruguay over South Africa. This was the first match of the second round of matches of the opening group stage of the World Cup. Now the teams which disappointed in their first matches have to improve and get something from their second matches to qualify for the next round. I think teams were more afraid of losing than anything else in their opening fixtures which is why there were so many poor matches and draws. But with their second games, teams have to come out and play, take risks, score or be scored upon, to stay in the World Cup. BRING.IT.ONN!

Today's predictions:

Argentina vs. South Korea: Hopefully this'll be another win for El-Diego and his boys but it could also be a draw. Both teams won their first matches so they're the favourites from their group to move on.

Verdict: 1-0 to Argentina

France vs. Mexico: Both teams drew their opening fixtures so this is going to be another hard one to call. France are crap, and Mexico are looking a little shaky (but who hasn't?). I can't see France winning, which means it'll either be a win for Mexico or a draw. The safe bet would be a draw with the way things have been going so far.

Verdict: Draw

England 1- USA 1

2010-06-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

Guest Post by Feraz:

England had this match. We started off well and scored a goal almost immediately through Steven Gerrard in the 4th minute. It looked like it might turn out to be the rout that England's qualifying campaign had promised, where 3-0 score lines were a common occurrence. Gerrard was fantastic. Frequently getting past his marker and crossing dangerously from the right. But the US kept it tight, and then equalized in what was to be the defining moment of the match. The Fulham talisman, Dempsey, took a pot shot from just outside the penalty area. Green, the England goalie, had it covered, but let the ball bounce off his gloves and roll into the back of net. It was horrible. Each replay of the incident only made it look worse. One-all at the break.

The second half was pulsating. England dominated, for the most part, and the US was only saved by a combination of good goalkeeping and poor finishing. Chance after chance came England's way but the American goalie (who also plays in England) stood firm. Then came an awful moment when the US almost scored on the counter-attack. Altidore (yup, he plays in England as well) ran past Carragher and Green tipped his shot onto the post. Nice save Green, but I doubt it'll be enough to save you from the chop for the next match. And then it was over. I think everyone can agree that it was a good result for the US and a bad result for England. Then again, England are expected to win their next two matches so this draw doesn't really matter. Looking back, it's not surprising that the US managed to squeeze out a draw actually. So many US players play in England (for second-rate teams) that they're not gonna be intimidated by facing players like Gerrard and Rooney that they've already met in the English league. I still want the US to lose though, and lose badly. I hope the US doesn't even make it into the next round. I don't know what it is (jealousy perhaps?) and I don't care. I hope Algeria kick you out and you leave early yet again.

Some other thoughts:

-Rooney had a quiet game, and so did England not surprisingly

-King obviously shouldn't have played since he came off after 45 minutes. I'm not sure Carragher is a suitable replacement after seeing him get whipped by Altidore in the second half. Maybe Capello should try Warnock in the next match?

-Maybe England's poor performance is an indication of how important Barry is to the team. Hopefully his presence in the next game will make a big difference. Otherwise, give Joe Cole a chance please.

-MOTM: The Everton and US goalie Tim Howard

Today's prediction:
Australia vs. Germany: 1-0 to the Germans

World Cup Baby

2010-06-11T13:46:00.000-07:00

As we all well know, the world cup is here. Feraz may be writing some posts about it but in the meantime I am going to post his predictions for tomorrow since he correctly predicted both today's matches.

England vs. USA: 2-1, England

Argentina vs. Nigeria: 2-0, Argentina

What are your predictions??

27!

2010-06-02T01:30:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it has been one year since this picture was taken!!It has been an amazing birthday already and probably the best birthday week in history. I will update on that later this week but for now here are pictures from Kenya and Scotland.

But before today was gone I wantes to thank you friends for making life so beautiful and entertaining and thank you God for letting me see another year.

Kenya Pictures

Scotland Pictures

Bob Dylan.

2010-05-31T14:06:00.000-07:00

Some people complain that when they go see Dylan, he doesn't put on a show. I had heard that he has gotten old, that he should have stopped touring because his voice is gone and that going was a waste of money. I went into the show with somewhat low expectations but I had no reason to.

Some people complain that when they go see Dylan, he doesn't put on a show... When you are Bob Dylan, you don't need to.

Dylan is amazing. Full stop. He doesn't need lots of lights and costumes and theatrics because he has the music. His voice is rock solid. He gave a perfect performance tonight. I was blown away that a man who turned 69 last week can still bring it the way he did.

His songs are genius not only because of the melodies and brilliant lyrics but because they speak to something inside of you. They take you back to the first time you heard them and the thousands of times you heard them after. They tell stories that send chills through your bones and they make you believe that music is absolutely the best thing in the world.

It was an incredible feeling to be sitting in the amphitheater with the big Istanbul sky and seagulls swirling above, as we all sang along with Bob Dylan to Just Like a Woman... "But you break just like a little girll..."

Since there were no cameras or recording devices allowed in the venue, here is my only picture with Dylan. I still have a bit of afterglow!

Overall, I give the show an A++++++ but if onlllyyy he had played the times they are a-changing... i probably couldn't have handled it!

Lamu, Kenya

2010-05-26T15:44:00.000-07:00

Lamu.

I think Lonely Planet describes it with words like "paradise" or "magical" and says something along the lines of "You haven't been to Kenya until you have been to Lamu."

Lies. Lies. Lies.

If someone said to me: "Here is a cage full of mosquitos that are probably carrying yellow fever. Stand in here or go to Lamu." I would walk into the cage full of mosquitos.

Ok, fine. It wasn't that bad but it was a huge let down from everything I had heard it would be. The place has no cars so donkeys are used all over the island. Sound great, doesn't it? The only problem is that the town has a bunch of donkeys but no one to clean all the donkey crap. So, when you walk around you literally feel like you are swimming in donkey poo. But just in case I didn't really feel like I was swimming in donkey poo, it rained and poured for almost the entire time we were there. So, donkey poo was literally running by in rivers. My feet will never recover from those three days.

So, the place was really stinky. There was not much to do. The food was sub par. But before somebody calls the waaahmbulance, I'll talk about some of the good stuff there too.

A few magical things actually did happen during our few days there.

The first day we arrived, we walked around the town which actually does have some charm to it. There are lots of winding little alleys and the narrow roads give the place a very intimate feel. There were indeed women who floated by in full burqas and the little children everywhere were ridiculously cute. (Unfortunately, there is a three month residency requirement or I might have tried to adopt right then and there.) That night we hung out late at one of the cafes along the water. We were trying to wait out the rain but finally realized that we would have to head back to our hotel or we would be stuck there all night. When we first left, the rain was coming down pretty hard but not so hard that it would knock you over and soak you so thoroughly that water would end up in places you didn't even know existed.

Just a few minutes into our walk, the rain came down in watermelon size drops. I have not laughed and screamed so much for long as I can remember. Before we knew it the small alleys were overflowing with water. We rolled up our pants but it didn't matter, the rain had soaked us. Holding an umbrella was useless but we clung on anyways. Finally we ran under a small awning where a man was making kebabs. A small group of Kenyans were huddled underneath and they seemed to know that the rain wasn't going to let up, but they waited in the shelter anyway. It was one of those moments that I should have written about right away because it is already running away from me. All I remember is laughing and laughing. The night was so dark and through the lights of the street lamps, we could make out the sheets of water as they came down.

So, for every bad thing about Lamu, it was more than worth it for that. This was a rain like the rains I remember from being a young girl in Pakistan. I remember looking to my mom to see if it would be ok to run outside and before she had finished nodding her head, I would be out in our courtyard screaming so hard I could hardly breathe- choking on the rain because I was staring up at the sky laughing. I would feel like I was part of the earth and the rain and the mud and me were all one and the same thing.

I have searched for that feeling ever since and in this poo filled island, I found that magic again.

Next up, Diani beach. Featuring camel rides on the beach, finding treasures in deserted stores along the ocean, and even an appearance by some troublesome baboons!

Click here for a few photos from Lamu.

Nairobi

2010-05-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

It seems that the only flights that go to Nairobi arrive in the middle of the night and that was the case for us. After a pretty uneventful flight we arrived at 3:30 in the morning. Rebecca had arranged for a driver to pick us up at the airport and Munini was there with his Nadiya and Sumeera sign right as we exited the baggage claim. At one point, when he took a shortcut on some random side road we were very relieved that the driver was someone Rebeccah knew because if it had been anyone else, we would have been peeing our pants from being convinced that we were being kidnapped.

We arrived to the Slum Gardens (the UN intern housing used to be slums but now it is quite nice!) to poor Rebecca who had to be up in the middle of the night for our arrival. In case I don't mention it a hundred times in my discussion of this trip, Rebecca is the best friend ever. She told us everything we needed to know about being in Nairobi and brought us breakfast food for the morning and finally headed to bed after six even though she had work the next morning! What an all-star.
The next morning, the first thing we did was get a SIM for the phone so we would have a way to stay in touch with Rebecca. We had planned to meet her for lunch and headed over to the UN offices. We were in awe of how beautiful Naiorbi was. There were flowers I hadn't seen in any of the botanical gardens I had been to in the world. And after being in Cairo and Istanbul, Nadiya and I were blown away by all the green. We were in heaven!

The UN cafeteria is ridiculous. Ridiculously good. The offices are done so well and integrate all the greenery outside into the buildings. Nadiya and I spent a minute or two fantasizing about working at the UN in Nairobi. After lunch we went around and met some of Rebecca's co-workers and finally headed out.

Our next stop was to a Masaai Market which was amaazzing. We spent a good three hours or shopping and were able to get some amazing things. When we first walked in, we had to do our best not to drool so we wouldn't get totally ripped off on everything we planned to buy. Becs had told us that everything should cost around 2-300 shillings and that was a good guide. I think we got some good deals because we were so ruthless about sticking within that range for the smaller things.

Exhausted, we headed back to Rebeccas where she was having a barbeque with 20 or so friend which led to a nice evening tour outside chatting with lots of interesting people and eating barbecued pineapple. It was there that we heard many, many amazing things about Lamu. One guy said that once we got there, we would never, ever leave. Others said it was like paradise on Earth. The next morning at 8 am we would fly out to Lamu to see what all the hype was about. Would we love it? Would we hate it? Would we meet a man who had a lamb that followed him everywhere?? Stay tuned.

oh yeah, this is a travel blog.

2010-05-20T04:11:00.000-07:00

This Monday I returned from a ten day trip to Egypt and Kenya. I spent eight day in Kenya and two days in Egypt. Although I had been to Egypt for a few weeks before I considered my visit to Kenya as my first real time experiencing African culture and life.

The idea to go to Kenya came up a month or so ago in a discussion with my good friend Nadiya. We had both been independently toying with the idea of going but hadn't given it serious consideration. Once we found our that we both wanted to go, the plan was on. We started figuring out dates and places we wanted to visit. Our initial idea had been to spend about 17 days going through Kenya, Tanzania and Zanzibar. But both of us realized that wouldn't be do-able with our work schedules and for a moment we thought we would have to call the whole trip off.

After I came back from London, I was talking to my friend Rebecca from law school and found out that she was actually working at the UN in Nairobi. And just like that, our plan was back on! Nadiya and I booked our tickets to go to Kenya the following week!

I love to be spontaneous and do things last minute but if you are planning a trip to Africa, you may want to plan just a little more in advance! For one, we realized that we would need to get a yellow fever vaccine, which took 8 days to be effective. Oops. We also needed to get some other shots and get a hold of malaria pills, bug sprays, etc.

Luckily for us, Rebecca was a great help and saved us a lot of time researching what to do in Kenya and what things to be prepared for. Safety is a huge issue in Kenya and if it hadn't been for Rebecca's many reminders about hijackings and kidnappings in the country, we may not have been as cautious as we were.

So on Wednesday May 6th I boarded the plane for Cairo. Nadiya and I thought it would be fun to travel together so I met her in Cairo so we could take the flight to Nairobi together.

I arrived in Cairo in the middle of the night and Nadiya was there waiting at the airport. I wanted to jump up and down, I was so excited to see her after so long! We took the taxi to her place and stayed up talking until six or seven am. Poor Nadiya had to go into work and I proceeded to sleep until noon. When I woke up I was very hungry and realized that I knew nothing about the neighborhood I was in! Nadiya lives in what is like the suburbs of Cairo and I had no idea where to go for food! I looked around for a phone to call Nadiya at work but there was none. Oh well, I thought. How hard can it be to walk outside and get some food?

After four hours in the sweltering Cairo sun, and two hours of wandering around lost (I am pretty sure I could get lost in an empty box.) I finally found my way back to Nadiya's apartment. I had a pida and 1 litre of Diet Coke to show for my efforts. I promptly fell asleep after my adventure and woke up periodically to take a swig of coke and eat some bread.

Nadiya came home soon after and we laughed about the day. She had been trying to call all day but someone had unplugged her land line! We ordered in some food and started her packing for our big adventure. Tomorrow I'll continue with stories about our first day in Kenya!

(Disclaimer: I saw no pyramids on this trip. That is just a google image result for Cairo. :) )

RIP

2010-05-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

“Death ends a life but not a relationship, which struggles in the survivor’s mind, towards some resolution, that it may never find.” -I Never Sang for My Father

How do you walk into an office after a colleague has died? With trembling legs, with a certain numbness, with eyes watering. You go up the elevator on which you so many times saw him, where you talked about your weekends, about the work load or about his latest haircut. And the thing you didn't want to believe, you must face.

This past week we lost our leader, our guide and our friend. The Director of our office was killed in a car accident on his way back from a client meeting. The news of his death has rocked our office, reminding us how delicate life is, how even such a great man can so easily be taken from the world.

He was Shahbaz that would make his way around the office stopping at each last cubicle to see how everyone was doing, to wish them a happy holiday or to simply say hello. He was Shahbaz who laughed because in all his years of working in Istanbul, I was the first person to ask him to lunch. He was Shahbaz who was the most senior person in our office and region, who was a Director of IFC but who I just a month ago saw standing outside the public bus stop to take the Havas to the airport. He didn’t see the sense in wasting work resources on a taxi and took the cheap public option instead- in his full suit, of course.

He was Shahbaz who had a soft voice and a very gentle manner with which in his special way he managed to command the respect of the highest government officials and industry leaders all over the world. He was a man who committed his life to helping the developing world and was loved by so many in the international community, but especially by us in the Istanbul office.

In his life he taught me the characteristics of a great leader and human being and in his death he teaches me of the miracle of life. He is dearly missed.

Waiting in London

2010-04-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I came into the UK on the 9th worried that they wouldn't let me in with proper grounds for concern. After being denied entry when I was coming in from Paris at the end of 2009, this was my first attempt to come back to the UK. We had contacted the consulate and the UK Border Agency and even spoken to immigration lawyers to make sure that if I was trying to enter the UK I wouldn't be turned around and sent back on the next flight.

I arrived to London with a fair amount of apprehension. I was called up to the counter by a South Asian pregnant woman and was hopeful that she would go easy on me but no dice. She grilled me and then pulled me aside while they did extra checks on me. I had come with a return ticket, a letter from IFC stating that I was on temporary leave and identifying how long I had worked with them and a letter from my law firm stating that I would be starting in the fall. All of this did not ease their worries. They grilled me with questions and kept letting me know that they weren't believing a word I was saying. Finally, after making a few calls, the lady came back and told me that she was going to give me the benefit of the doubt and let me land but that I MUST leave on Tuesday or I would be deported. I laughed and held up my hands like a scout and promised that I would leave on Tuesday. She said, Well you better or you will be deported. Again, I laughed and said, I love my job! I would never overstay! She said, That's fine because if you do, you will be DEPORTED!

On Wednesday afternoon Feraz and I got on a flight to Scotland, just before the mass airline crisis took place. Luckily for us, we had already booked a train ticket to Birmingham and weren't stranded in Scotland. We were thankful for that and thankful we had a ticket! The trains were jam packed even on Friday and that was before people had really fully begin to realize the implications of the eruptions. It seems that its becoming rather impossible to even get a train ticket at the moment because of everyone's desperation to get home.

My return flight to Istanbul was to be on Tuesday but as of now all flights for Monday have been cancelled which makes me think it might be quite unlikely that the flight will go off without a hitch or at all. For the most part, I'm happy that these precautions are being taken. All it would take is for one plane to go down to really set off mass hysteria and to hurt the aviation industry even more than this US $200 million a day crisis already is.

As for my status here, I am going to email and call the Border Agency but there really is little I can do beyond that. On the one hand the lady's threat of deporting me would give me one of the first tickets out of the country. On the other hand, I'll have to extend my holiday a little and take in some more of London's museums and shows. I'm obviously one of the more lucky ones.

There are others stuck without a hotel or any promise of getting home anytime soon. They are stuck in airports, waiting without any compensation or hope of getting off the ground anytime soon. One of the benefits of an international family and network is that home is always just around the corner.

One Year Anniversary

2010-03-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

Today is the one year anniversary of my arrival to Istanbul. In my first days, I struggled to learn to say basic words like hello and thank you. All around me there was the buzz of a language of which I knew nothing and every street and corner was unfamiliar.

When I first came here I thought it would be for a simple four month stay. I had come fresh off the heels of law school where I spent almost every day in the company of my friends and going to endless social activities. I came from living an hour away from my parents, 20 minutes from my in-laws and a hop and a skip away from almost everyone that played any significant role in my day to day life.

And all of the sudden it was all gone.

Through this last year I have loved and hated Istanbul. There were times when I wanted to book the next flight available back home and others where I never, ever wanted to leave. George Bernard Shaw said, "I dislike feeling at home when I am abroad." I had often read this quote and never understood it. Even now, I'm not sure I fully understand it but I think the growth and learning that happens while being abroad happens in the uncomfortable places, the ones that live far from familiarity and ease.

I know people who are not keen to travel. They are happy to stay within one city or neighborhood their entire lives and I think the person that has not traveled, that has had the opportunity to see the world and has wilfully not done so is a person that is missing a great deal from life. St. Augustine said, "The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page." How can we know anything about ourselves without knowing anything about other people? How can we read that one page and think we know anything at all?

I can understand that people might not travel because they don't have the money or the freedom but I think that if there is any way to find that money and time, then there is no better way to spend either than on the road, in new lands and places where we are challenged to realize that there are many different types of people in the world and we must continually find ways for our individual existence to empower the collective existence.

In this last year I did not often think of myself as an ex-pat but as a traveler. As someone who was desperate to understand something about the country that I was living in and by extension to understand some things about myself. Today is the one year anniversary of my arrival to Istanbul, and I celebrate it as someone changed; hopefully better and definitely stronger. Here is to hoping for more adventures, challenges and inspiration in my last six months here.

Wisdom from Morocco

2010-03-29T00:35:00.000-07:00

Each second we live is a new and unique moment of the universe, a moment that will never be again. And what do we teach our children?

We teach them that two and two make four, and that Paris is the capital of France. When will we also teach them what they are? We should say to each of them: Do you know what you are? You are a marvel. You are unique. In all the years that have passed, there has never been another child like you. Your legs, your arms, your clever fingers, the way you move. You may become a Shakespeare, a Michelangelo, a Beethoven.

You have the capacity for anything. Yes, you are a marvel. And when you grow up, can you then harm another who is, like you, a marvel? You must work, we must all work, to make the world worthy of its children.

-Pablo Picasso

The photo above was taken by my brother an he accompanied it with this quote. I had to steal it and post it here because it inspired me so much and it is a reminder that we constantly need.

Chatroulette

2010-02-17T13:56:00.000-08:00

Have you all heard of this website http://chatroulette.com?

It is a social networking site designed by a 17 year old kid in Moscow where you just go to the page and can start randomly video chatting with people. I think The Week gives the best breakdown of it.

As you would expect there is your fair share of pervs and creeps on this website. There is also your fair share of normalish looking teens. And then there are your pre-teens.

Is this a scary development for the internet world or just another sign of the times? It seems that there is a serious danger for some vulnerable kids. If Dali talked about "the hope and danger of instantaneous exchange of thought" with the invention of the phone, then now we must consider the hope and danger in instant video communication.

I went on to the website for a few minutes and faced my camera to the wall. There were many, many disturbing images in just that short span. It seems scary that 10-11 year olds who are curious will be exposed to those things. Not to discount the fact that they can see most of that stuff on the internet anyways, but there is something particularly eerie about seeing it in real time.

I liked one comment on the website:

"In an (excellent) essay on ChatRoulette, New York magazine's Sam Anderson approaches his first foray into the video streams with "an open mind and an eager soul," seeing the Whitmanesque potential in the "ecstatic surrender to the miraculous variety and abundance of humankind." Sorry, Sam, but I'm no Internet naïf. I've plumbed the depths of the Web, and one thing I've learned is that when you give anyone an open platform with anonymity and no moderating, it inevitably gets overrun by the lowest common denominators: trolls, exhibitionists and an endless stream of hopeful men prodding women to take off their clothes. (It's worth noting that, in the end, Anderson left "crushed" by what he encountered.)"

Part of the beauty of the internet is that it is virtually unregulated but as it becomes more and more sophisticated, is it time to start regulating this once lawless land?

Every Grain of Sand

2010-02-15T09:19:00.001-08:00

I am obsessed with this song lately. I highly recommend you download it if you don't have it. Every Grain of Sand by Bob Dylan:

In the time of my confession, in the hour of my deepest need
When the pool of tears beneath my feet flood every newborn seed
There's a dyin' voice within me reaching out somewhere,
Toiling in the danger and in the morals of despair.

Don't have the inclination to look back on any mistake,
Like Cain, I now behold this chain of events that I must break.
In the fury of the moment I can see the Master's hand
In every leaf that trembles, in every grain of sand.

Oh, the flowers of indulgence and the weeds of yesteryear,
Like criminals, they have choked the breath of conscience and good cheer.
The sun beat down upon the steps of time to light the way
To ease the pain of idleness and the memory of decay.

I gaze into the doorway of temptation's angry flame
And every time I pass that way I always hear my name.
Then onward in my journey I come to understand
That every hair is numbered like every grain of sand.

I have gone from rags to riches in the sorrow of the night
In the violence of a summer's dream, in the chill of a wintry light,
In the bitter dance of loneliness fading into space,
In the broken mirror of innocence on each forgotten face.

I hear the ancient footsteps like the motion of the sea
Sometimes I turn, there's someone there, other times it's only me.
I am hanging in the balance of the reality of man
Like every sparrow falling, like every grain of sand.

Also, here are pictures from Spain. The captions capture the whole trip.

Creativity in the Digital Age

2010-02-12T06:39:00.000-08:00

Lauren Conrad, who is a reality tv show person, recently put out her second book and it has hit the best seller list already. I was reading some comments about how sad it is that there are real writers out there who are struggling to get published but her publishers are pushing her crappy writing just because they know it will sell. On the one hand there seems to be nothing wrong with that. It is their job, after all, to make money. But on the other hand, the stuff that she is writing further promotes this culture that is obsessed with fame, glory, etc. Her target audience is impressionable, young girls. People say that some values are learned through literature and these books are showing an ugly part of our society...

Maybe (probably) it doesn't matter that there are lots of crappy books out there. There always have been, but my bigger concern is, are we slowly losing the culture that would cultivate good artists? There has long been a theory that the novel is dying. While Harry Potter and Twilight may make for some easy reading, are they actually literature? Will cheap fluff like reality television inevitable take over literature as well? When I read the autobiographies of great artists, I am shocked by how many other familiar names show up in their circles. Hemingway and Fitzgerald used to drink together. Anais Nin and Henry Miller were lovers and she studied under Sigmund Freud. George Eliot, Herbert Spencer and Ralph Waldo Emerson were friends. On and on and on. Do these literary circles exist in the world right now? Will we only know about them far in the future?

What are some of your favorite contemporary writers? Do you think that the novel is dying? In a world where we can access anything and everything through a simple little notebook, what purpose do books serve? In a world where we are distracted by endless television, movies and 'social networking' sites, how does creativity suffer? Can anything of artistic value be born in such superficial and narcissistic times? Or were they always such times??

I know those are a lot of questions but I would really like to hear your opinions and feedback.

Spain: Discovering Dali

2010-02-10T08:37:00.000-08:00

I used to think that I liked Salvador Dali but I was wrong. I love Dali.

Growing up I had Moment of Explosion hanging on the wall over my bed and was fascinated by Dali's clocks series. That was really the only exposure I had to him and had no idea that he dabbled with so many mediums and that he had so many distinct periods in his career. At this point when I look at art, it is hard to be blown away. With the internet and tons of art work easily at our disposal, most of us have been exposed to a wide range of artists and may feel like we have seen it all. Going to the museum, I was completely blown away.

Dali was born in small Catolonian town, Figueres which is almost at the French border. Feraz and I took a two or three hour train from Barcleona to make the pilgrimage to his birth place and the home of one of the largest and best collections of Dali's work in the world. Dali was known as an eccentric and egocentric man. I don't fault him for being that way. He was brilliant. If I was that brilliant and that good at my art, I would do whatever the hell I wanted to do too and not be ashamed to admit that I was a pretty sweet human being. (Self-loathing is so bourgeois, no?) From Wikipedia: Dalí, a colorful and imposing presence in his ever-present long cape, walking stick, haughty expression, and upturned waxed mustache, was famous for having said that "Every morning upon awakening, I experience a supreme pleasure: that of being Salvador Dalí." That is how we should all feel about ourselves!

Before he died, Dali decided to make the Dali Theatre and Museum. I have read some criticisms of this being an extremely egotistical act but the man knew what he was doing. He created a masterpiece made of all this masterpieces! He was able to customize his legacy, instead of leaving this huge responsibility to people who could never understand the way he saw the world. The museum is different from any other I have ever been in. It has a great sense of humor and as I went to each new section I was amazed by the extreme range of Dali's talent.

If you are in Spain, I would definitely recommend making the trip out to Figueres. It will be your one opportunity for you to experience Dali's art just as he intended it to be experienced.

Can we sail to Spain, just me and you?

2010-02-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

I’m back and want to let you know that I haven’t given up my new posting regime already! I have just been in Barcelona for the past eight days! Since this started out as a travel blog, I feel terrible for not updating when I have actually been traveling. Over the next few posts I’ll talk about the trip and my recommendations for a holiday there.

I have been wanting to go to Spain for ages. So, when I found out Feraz had a week off between his papers being due and his classes starting up again I quickly suggested that we do an early Valentine’ day trip to Spain. We had initially planned to do Madrid and Barcelona but upon arriving in Barcelona we realized that there was a ton to do right there and it might be stretching it too thin to go to Madrid as well. (Not to mention the 80 euros for the train ticket.)

Feraz and I spent our time at a wonderful bed and breakfast. I swear by bed and breakfasts and try to avoid hotels at all costs. I recently read an article in which the author describes hotels as horrible, depressing places. I have to agree. The 'hospitality' feels artificial. The same floral patterns, tv armoires and generic art work are down right creepy and even the fancy soaps and shampoos don't begin to make up by the sterile, coldness of hotels. But at a bed and breakfast you meet wonderful people, you get to see unique homes and wake up to a delicious breakfast.

We really lucked out on the place that we stayed at and I would highly, highly recommend it to anyone going to Barcelona. From the moment we got there we felt at home and welcome. Our hosts explained all the basics to us and recommended a marvelous place for dinner. It was the perfect introduction to what would be a great holiday...

Nutella French Toast Recipe

2010-01-29T08:26:00.000-08:00

With the weekend coming up you might be having some guests in town or you may want to have a fun, tasty morning with the family. Hence, I would like to give you my favorite recipe of the moment. It is Nutella and Banana French Toast. For about two weeks, I ate it every day. So, if you are going to make it- proceed with caution.

Here is what you do!

1. Just break two eggs, 1/2 cup of milk, 2 tablespoons of brown sugar, 2 tablespoon of cinnamon, 1 tablespoon of vanilla extract and mix all these things up really well.

2. Take the slice of toast and quickly dip it into the mix once on each side so it is completely covered. Don't leave it in there too long!

3. Take a stick of butter and rub it across a slightly warmed pan so the bottom is covered with butter and then put your slice of bread down.

4. Leave it until that side becomes golden brown, then repeat for the other side.

5. Take this piece off and cover it with Nutella while putting another slice of bread on the pan. The Nutella will melt beautifully on the hot french toast. Once the other side is done just put it on top.

6. Cut the sandwich diagonally so it is four pieces. Sprinkle powdered sugar on top and cut bananas or whatever fruit you want on the middle of the top where the four corners meet.

Ta-da! That's it!

Haiti and Innocence

2010-01-27T07:33:00.000-08:00

I was recently talking to a friend and noted that once something happens to you, it can ever un-happen. We can forget things, time can heal certain pains but there is no return to a place before it happened.

We all have an it in our life. It can be a parent lost,a dysfunctional childhood, a tragedy, a great failure or a great regret.

One minute life is at it was and then there is only life as it will always be from the moment it happened.

This morning, I read this article about Haiti. I always feel the worst for the children. They have their whole lives in front of them. They will remember those bodies, these losses, and the pain of struggling to forget for the rest of their long lives. Some will be stronger for it. They will write about it in their admissions essays to Yale or Harvard. They will be applauded for their ability to overcome adversity but they will always feel like frauds. They will be haunted by the guilt of their success and they will always walk with the ghost of this event behind them.

Others will not be so lucky. They will be forgotten when the initial outpouring of international attention fades away. They will grow up in orphanages, on the streets and in the homes of relatives who are struggling to feed the mouths they are already responsible for. Their aunts and uncles will see their lost brothers and sisters in these children. Over time, the world will forget about them entirely, but they will be left with the great curse of never being able to forget.

There is a story in many traditions in which a man spreads vicious gossip about a leader in the community. Repentant, he goes to the leader and begs for forgiveness for all the hardship that has befallen the leader and says he will do anything to right his wrong. The leader tells him to go home, take a feather pillow and slice it with a knife so the feathers are carried away by the wind. Although he finds the request strange, the man complies and returns to the leader the next day to convey the news. The leader then tells him to go back and collect all the feathers and return them to the pillow. He tells the man that just as he will never be able to collect all the feathers, he can never right his wrong whose consequences can never be measured.

In this situation, our inaction can be the it for many people's lives. If we are in a position to send money, then we should send money. If we are able to travel there and hep with our skill sets, then we should travel there and help. If we have the capacity to adopt one of these children, then we should welcome them into our homes.

Once something is done, it can never be undone. All the good intentions in the world can not erase the reality of it's passing. We can't ever go back to a place where we are fully innocent. We can never stop the tides of time from hurting and challenging. But we can take care of our own actions. We can do our best to not be the agent in the world that hurts and destroys others. With all life's uncertainties, I find great comfort in knowing that we still have a choice. "There is a way to be good again."

Hope

2010-01-25T06:33:00.000-08:00

I was feeling a little blah today and decided to google hope to see what would come up. I didn't like any of the web results or the news stories that came up so I went to the images tab. The picture that caught my eye was the one above.

When I clicked on the image, it led to a blog post and then a chain of comments. Many of the people there said that they had googled "hope" because they were down and seeing this simple message lifted them.

It is such a small connection to the world. That someone else took the same step and was inspired by the same words.

I was recently reading an article about the quarter life crisis and in it the author discusses how our generation was raised to believe that we are all special and unique. We are like snowflakes and there is no one in the world like us. It's an interesting message because where it is supposed to inspire the person who receives it, instead it leaves that person feeling void and alone. Either the person believes it and then is convinced that they can't relate to anyone else because she is so different or the person doesn't believe it and feels inadequate for being just like everyone else.

Last night I was watching Revolutionary Road for the second time and in it Kate Winslet's character laments that they are just like everyone else. That there is nothing special about them at all. This realization is crushing and leads in many ways to the movie's tragic end.

What is so bad about being just like everyone else? What will we achieve by being different and unique? Is there any self that we're supposed to find amiss the different messages we receive? I don't know the answers to any of these questions and quite frankly I don't even know if it matters.

I just know that when I googled hope and found that someone else had felt just like I did and it led them down the same small path, it made me feel happy, it made me want to write about it. In the world of the internet, where disconnectedness and alienation seem to be the rule of the day, it was reassuring to find that there are exceptions to the rule.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

Let it Snow Let it Snow Let it Snow!

2010-01-22T09:44:00.000-08:00

I have become a bad blogger. Inconsistent at posting and not really offering much of interest. It's time to turn that ship around! One of the main reasons I want to continue blogging is because it is supposed to be good for someone who wants to be a writer to write consistently. Practice, practice, practice.

Most days I want to write about something in the blog but I think it is too stupid of a matter to discuss online or I can't be bothered to properly articulate my thoughts on an issue. So, I suppose it is some sort of fear that prevents me from coming to this website and just putting something down.

In an effort to kick this fear in the face and to become more disciplined about writing I will now be posting Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I can't promise anything earth-shattering or particularly exciting but I hope you will come visit anyway.

Today, I will write about snow.

When my cousins and aunts moved from Pakistan to America the snow was one of the things that struck them the most about Michigan. My one aunt would stand at the window and watch it endlessly. She loved it. She loved it's cold, it's white, it's magic. I thought she was crazy.

Maybe at some point in 1988 when we moved to America, I may have felt that wonder. The complete awe that accompanies watching the world as it is hidden under a big white blanket. The inspiration that comes from watching flakes of snow under a lamp post somewhere. The exhilaration of picking up the fluff and packing it tight as you can and hurling it at your best friend while trying to wrestle away from someone who is shoving a handful of snow down your back.

But 20 years later in 2008, I hated snow. My friend's used to always tease me about my illogical fear of snow. As soon as it would start to fall, all I would want to do is lock the door of my apartment and hide behind a massive thermos of tea until the first blossoms of spring would show themselves. It was that awful snow that caused my car to skid all over the roads, that made other cars susceptible to come flying at me, that convinced me that death was the passenger each time I got in the car. It was knee-high snow that I trudged through to get to class, it would creep into my boots, my pants and my mittens. It would surely give me pneumonia and lead to a slow, painful death in some anonymous hospital, on some anonymous bed.

My mom's phone calls didn't help. As soon as the first flurries would start to fall, my phone would begin to ring.

"Where are you behta?!"

"In my apartment."

"Good! Don't leave! Do you have food? On the news today they were talking about this lady that went out in the snow and she slipped on a patch of ice and now she's in the hospital and they don't know if she'll ever walk again. So, even if you don't have food, it's probably not worth it to go outside."

Snow. Stupid, dumb snow. Cold, freezing snow. Pain in the but, piling up all over your car snow.

2010. It's been almost one year since I've seen snow. This week there were flurries and I was jumping around like a kid on Eid. Our office is one huge glass cylinder so when it snows it feels like you are in a massive snow globe. I have been so homesick for what was the bain of my existence. It reminds me of all those Michigan winters. When it would snow and snow until you thought even your house would get buried. And suddenly, everyone would be forced to slow down. They would see their neighbors as they struggled to keep their driveways clear and the sidewalks ice free. I remember going around Ann Arbor and helping people push their cars when they got stuck. Somehow, it brought us all together. How I wish we would get covered in it. To see all the Musjids and the Bosphorus through that magical lens of my youth and my old home. It would be something I would never forget.

Word around the office is that we're going to get sleet tomorrow and snow on Sunday. I never thought I'd be so happy to hear that forecast for the weekend!

First Day Back at Work

2010-01-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

It is the first day back from the holiday. About half of the office is ex-pats so there was a mass exodus a few days before Christmas. Today, most people are making the big return.

The moment you walk into the office you start to hear the Happy New Years! Everyone is smiling and refreshed. They are exchanging stories of how the powder was wherever it was that they went skiing, how they miss the sun from their vacation or making jokes about relatives they are happy they won't have to see for another year.

People are walking around the office passing out treats from the holidays, intent on keeping their own New Years Resolutions at the expense of their colleagues. (Namely, me!)

So, early in the morning, with chocolate already in my belly and still hearing stories and the chorus of Happy New Year all around me, I am grateful for this first day back, this job that I love and this city that is full of romance and mystery.

Happy New Years to all of you. I hope that 2010 shames every year that has come before it!

The Book is done

2009-12-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

As I sit at home sick, eating tofita because I can't find mamba and drinking coke because I can't find Gatorade, it occurs to me that I haven't shared some important news.

It's about that book. The one that started out as five thousand well paced words. That was neglected for almost a week of November. That book that was finally finished in some all night delirium in the middle of December. In proper Sumeera fashion, it was finished after the deadline. But it's done.

And by done, I mean I have surpassed the 50,000 words we were supposed to write and have most, if not all, of the plot and story down.

I haven't sat down and read the whole thing. At times I'll open up the document and read a few pages here and there. I stare at them, not sure who wrote them. Other pages stick out to me. I can remember exactly where I was sitting, the person it was that walked by and inspired that character or emotion.

Do I love my book? I'm not sure. I love it because its my first. I love it because there are things in there that I really wanted to say and there are stories that I really wanted to tell. I love it because one of the characters was so hard to write and I stuck with her, trying to see the world as she would see it. I tried to write about her life tenderly even though I thought the life she chose was stupid. Do I love my book? In a slightly dysfunctional love kind of a way, I do. I really love it.

We got an email from Nano titled "An Year in Revisonland" encouraging us to start thinking about going back to our books. It said, "Because if our novels tumbled from our imaginations in tidy, ready-for-the-bookstores packages, we would be denied one of the greatest pleasures and challenges on the planet: Novel revision. Through rewriting, we get the opportunity to take the best parts of our books and build a truly awesome story around them. In doing so, we also get to improve our shortcomings as writers, and take November's sparky fling and turn it into something fiery and enduring."

Yoga sucks but it also kind of rules

2009-12-15T11:24:00.000-08:00

(These are the three main teachers and the founders of my studio)

I used to think I had done bikram yoga. I was an idiot.

I recently had my first, actual bikram class. I think I died a few times during the workout. I want to chronicle how unbelievably hard and painful it was so I don't ever start deluding myself into thinking the last time I got in shape, it happened overnight by magic.

The first time I came to Turkey I lost a lot of weight. To the point that I actually thought I was too thin. I know. I too didn't think that was possible. Particularly for someone who is 5'1. After I became thin I started thinking mean things about people who complained about being fat. I thought shut up and stop eating so much. Why don't you go on a treadmill if your butt feels too big?

Having gone from being fat/chubby to being thin, I felt like I could hate on fat people legitimately . Kind of like when minorities say offensive things about their own kind.

And then I got fat again. I knew it was happening. I went home and studied for the bar. Eat, eat, eat. Fahad got married. Eat, cake, eat, ice cream, eat. Then Ramadan came. Starve, eat samosas, pakoras, anything, eat, eat. Then I was fat because of Ramadan so eat, eat, eat until I feel better. Then I was in London. Fried chicken for one pound everywhere. Eat, eat, eat. Then I went to Paris. Croissant perfection. Eat, eat. Belgium. Chocolates, eat, waffles, eat, eat.

There were so many times I was eating so much that it physically hurt. You know that feeling, right? When you go to a restaurant or your mom's house? And you just gorge because the food is so damn good. I think we don't realize how much we do that until we actually start noting it. Or we overeat so much that our bodies become accustomed to it.

The thing is, becoming fat doesn't really sneak up on you. (Unless you became fat in your early teens or before you really knew any better.) It is the result of many, many, many choices. Most of them involve not stopping eating when you are too full and not exercising even when you can feel that your body needs it.

I am not writing this because I think fat people are evil and thin people should rule the world. But I do realize that weight is an issue for a lot of people, both men and women and we don't have to hate ourselves over it. We can't constantly mistreat our bodies and then expect them to still shine for us. Our bodies are not trophy wives. They will not stay with us if we have affairs with ding dongs and ho hos.

As I was standing in bikram with my newer, chubbier self, I felt each and every posture. My legs and arms were shaking for most of the workout. At one point I started rolling up my mat because I was the only one who couldn't do it right. I looked like such a fat rolly, polly idiot and I felt humiliated.

But I took a deep breath and thought it will be far worse if you walk out. How will you ever come to another class? My mom always says, you have to take that first step, and after that, the only ways you get to your goal is to continue, one slow step at a time.

So, I made a commitment to stay there. To not allow myself to leave just because I felt embarrassed. To not deny my body a chance to be something better just because it was 'hard.' I realize that the first time I got fit, part of it had to do with trying to eat a salad or something light for one of my meals, but a lot more had to do with simple things like only taking the stairs, taking walks when I was bored or going to yoga even when I didn't feel like it.

I remember that in almost every single yoga class, I swore it would be the last one. Yoga is so hard for me. The postures are hard, the insecurity of being the worst in the class is hard and focusing on one thing for 90 minutes is hard. And for those same reasons, I realize that it is really good for me and it is something I need to do.

Today, I can start to feel the toning in my shoulders and the firmness of my legs. I can feel the long line in the back of my spine and I feel good. I feel healthy and I feel strong.

The World Keeps Going Around

2009-12-14T15:14:00.000-08:00

500 Days of Summer- 2 broccoli sprouts

Dear God. This movie was so bad. You like the Smiths? Me too! OMG. Fate! You are an unconventionally pretty girl that thinks I should be an architect? And you yell penis in a park? OMG. You are so eccentric and unique. Puke, puke, puke.

The movies take on love was idiotic. The characters are incredibly unsympathetic and you pray unbelievable because it makes me sad to think that people like that really exist.

I wouldn’t even recommend this movie as a ‘totally chill want nothing from a movie movie’ night. What were you thinking Joseph Gordon-Levitt? After seeing some of your recent GQ spreads I expected so much more from you!

Inglorious Bastards- 3 chocolate digestives

Fantastic! So well done, clever and engaging. Brad Pitt nailed his character and the scene in which they are in the basement bar draws you in so much that you completely forget the world around you. Isn’t that what we look for when we watch a movie??

This movie has humor, revenge, and a classic Quentin Tarantino ‘happy ending.’ Just when you think you can’t watch one more WWII movie, QT proves that you can.

My Sister’s Keeper- 3 potato boreks

After Hena saw this movie she started saying that I was Abigail Breslin’s twin. After watching it, I am sure that Hena was on some serious drugs when she saw the movie, but I am also sure that I would agree that it was a fantastic film.

It is a simple story. Really not much more than a lifetime movie with an all star cast. But that’s why these guys get the big bucks, no? Alec Baldwin and Breslin contribute significantly to the movie’s success but the casting across the board is on target. I question the inclusion of Cameron Diaz but even her one horrific outburst scene doesn’t ruin the movie.

I appreciate the moral dilemma the movie tackles and hope another movie will try to address it again, perhaps more successfully. The main theme of the movie hinges on the question of what right a person has to make choices about their own body and life. In this movie, that question takes a back seat to a more cliché story line that focuses on family dysfunction and giving Diaz too much screen time.

Even with that said, I cried throughout the movie. I thought of my own sister and how difficult it would be to see her go through something like that. The bravery it would take to do what Breslin’s character does. I clutched onto Feraz thanking God that despite our little hurdles of being apart, that he is in good health and that we have not been tested in such a difficult way.

I recommend watching this with someone you love, especially if you are feeling some distance between yourselves. It will glue you right back together!

Paranormal Activity – 1 gummy bear

After all the hype about this movie I was looking forward to being scared!

After eleven minutes into the movie I started wishing that something bad would happen to both people because they were so incredibly annoying. At this point I still thought the movie was real. It brought back flashbacks of Into the Wild where I kept thinking, do such stupid and pretentious people really exist? I even said to Feraz, this has to be real footage because there is no way you can act that annoying. In fact the movie would have actually been really scary if it was real.

Seeing that it wasn’t, it was a bit cumbersome to sit through a lot of it. I couldn’t understand how Micah could be so stupid as to keep trying to invoke the spirit. Are men really that pig headed and desperate to prove their manhood?? Why did Katie need his permission to call the demonologist? Are you more scared of your semi-retarded boyfriend or of a demon that can f*** you up?

I have to admit that the last three minutes were pretty redeeming and were pretty scary. Especially since I still thought the movie might be real footage. As scary movies go, it was better than most but that is just saying more about how bad most scary movies are than how good this one was.

Away We Go – 2 gummy bears

Feraz and I stopped watching this movie about five minutes into it because it seemed so stupid. After Feraz left, I gave it another go and I think its safe to say that they packed the worst five minutes into the very beginning of the movie.

It wasn’t the greatest but as someone who has been a wandering nomad for what seems like my whole life, I could relate to the idea of searching for a place that you can call home. Er, something, something. I am sleepy now. Goodnight.

Santameera Clause

2009-12-13T10:46:00.000-08:00

This past Thursday I was the Santa Clause at my work's holiday party.

It started innocently enough. Word around the office was that every year someone dressed up as Santa and handed out the Secret Santa presents at the holiday party and gave gifts to the kids.

A person has some dreams in life. They write them down on a sheet of paper. And over the years, if they are lucky, they check them off one by one.

On Thursday I checked off one of my dreams.

But I have to say, playing Santa in my mind was very different than playing Santa in real life. Getting into the costume was much harder than expected. It was very hard to make everything look real but eventually I think we did a pretty job.

The best part was the first moment I walked out. The kids went nuts. The first kid that saw me had an extremely excited look on his face. He grabbed his head. Turned in a circle as if he didn't know what to do and then ran into the hall to tell all the other kids, "Santa is here!!!"

I heard a stampede and suddenly a ton of expat kids were jumping around me. It was very exciting. For a few seconds. Then someone tried to pull off my beard.

From that moment on there was a divide. The kids that believed (which diminished as they noticed my manicured nails and high heels) and the kids that were trying to figure out who I really was.

One of the highlights was when one of the kids put up his hands when everyone was jumping on me and said, "Hey guys, have a little respect. This is Santa."

One woman came up to me and said, "There aren't many firsts these days but I'd have to say a Pakistani, Muslim, female Santa has got to be a first."

This is honestly how much fun I have work at every day. I love my job. I had to cut it for propriety. Haha.

Little did I know that Phyllis was being a female Santa that same night!

Another New Home

2009-12-05T08:50:00.001-08:00

I am in yet another new apartment. Moving day is always strange. You bring your familiar belongings and plop them all down in this foreign space which is supposed to be home.

I look around at my tiny apartment remembering that I agreed to live here for the month mostly out of desperation. Ugh. Although my friends in Istanbul have been incredibly great and insisted that I could stay with them until I found a place I really liked, I felt terrible imposing and also just wanted a place that was mine.

For that reason I also opted not to have a roommate this go. I have had incredibly good luck with my roommates. I have no particular horror stories to tell. But for the past few years I have always felt like an intruder in someone else’s space. I want a place where I can leave my clothes on the sofa if I feel like, where I can do the dishes on my own schedule, where I can wake up at 3 am and take a shower without feeling guilty. They are simple, stupid things but they are the desires that are born from constantly living with other people.

So, this will be the first time in my life that I will be living alone and tonight will be my first night alone in this apartment. Feraz helped me move in and get settled but he just left for the airport back to London. In all the months and years we have spent apart, you would think that time would make it easier to say goodbye. But each time it feels harder than the last. Each time I think, I can’t wait until it is the last time we have to be apart for so long. I think it is the strongest testament of love that a person who craves independence as much as I do just wants to settle down, wants someone who nags when I come home from work late and who’s schedule I have to consider when I make my plans.

But I digress. I came home just now and was met by my landlord. He is an overweight, mute man who smells like strong, strong onions mixed with body odor. Yesterday, he approached Feraz and I outside of our apartment and tried to speak to us. Of course he can only grunt and make broken sounds. He was able to communicate that he is basically mute and seemed to be implying that he is our landlord.

We were hesitant to let him in to the apartment because we had never met him before and the agent who I had rented from had said that she would personally introduce me to the landlord. Feraz and I were unsure of what to do as this man kept making sounds and gesturing for us to let him into the building.

Finally, we asked him to use his keys to get into the apartment if he was the landlord. He couldn’t find any keys. Shady, shady we thought. But then he pulls out a showerhead attachment. That was his golden ticket. I knew that the landlord was supposed to come install that yesterday so I let him in.

He followed us into the apartment, breathing heavily the whole time. He sat down by the futon and with his overweight body and smelly odor and proceeded to breathe heavily all over my apartment. He then started taking out some extra dishes he brought. He unwrapped each one. One by one by one with his big clumsy hands. Feraz and I looked at each other wondering if this was really happening.

The landlord then went into the bathroom to try to fix the showerhead but was unsuccessful. This whole time he is trying to talk to us which is just heartbreaking because there is no way in hell that we are going to be able to make out what he is saying. We keep shrugging our shoulders and responding bilimyorum which means I don’t know.

He finally leaves and Feraz says, “That has to be up there with one of the weirdest things that has ever happened to me.”

“Thank God you were with me at least,” I responded.

Imagine coming home in the dark to a huge man who can’t talk and insists on being let into your apartment. After I dropped Feraz off, I came back to the man waiting for me. He asked to be let upstairs and I let him in. Today, he brought me more dishes, which he also unwrapped one by one and some new towels. He is coming back in half an hour to fix the shower. I don’t think I will be requesting anymore repairs or things for the apartment…

Another new place, another new adventure.

Dogs and Domestic Violence

2009-12-03T23:14:00.000-08:00

Last week as my friend’s and I were entering their apartment, a Turkish woman came screaming and ran past us into the apartment. At first we are not sure what was going on.

She told us that her sister’s husband was hurting her and there was a six- month old baby in the home. She was crying and shaking and totally out of it. We wanted to call the police but they don’t get involved in ‘private’ matters. We called the compound security and they assured us they would take care of it.

According to recent statistics, 4 out of every 10 married women in Turkey have been physically or sexually abused by their husbands. From the stories I hear, it seems that this is a gross underestimate. When we lived at our old apartment I remember hearing horrifying fights between a neighboring couple. When the fear seeps in under your door and into your night, should it still be a private matter? When you can almost feel the pain the woman must be going through, should you still not call the police?

Two days later there are some beautiful purple orchids at the door. Attached is a note in poor handwriting saying, “I am very sorry to disturb you and your family on Saturday. It connected to alcohol. When my husband drunk to get angry. Thank you so much.”

When we read the note, I wanted to cry. Here, the woman who is already being abused feels the need to protect the image and reputation of her husband. She attributes the behavior to the alcohol instead of to her husband. She takes the blame by being the one to apologize for the disturbance. She thanks us for… what? Understanding? Not saying anything or calling the police? For not being upset with her?

The first issue here is the matter of domestic violence being a ‘private’ issue. The compound is hesitant to involve the police because these are their residents and more likely than not, the husband is paying the outrageous rent that comes with this address. Are they not getting involved to protect the sanctity of the family’s private sphere or to assure that they have a happy customer who can beat his wife with the protective shroud of the compound’s policy in place?

Do the police not get involved because they really feel this is a private matter? Or is it because most of these men who make up the police force have a vested interest in maintaining a status quo that permits the abuse and oppression of women? Or is it because the men who do want to speak up are afraid to do so in the face of their colleagues and a society who still quite openly subscribe to a machismo and misogynist culture.

No society should take the stand that domestic violence is a private matter. It never was and never should be The general safety of an individual is a responsibility that should be born by the whole of society. In this instance, what happens in the private sphere significantly impacts the public sphere. Society’s that condone the abuse of women and allow children to be raised in such environments suffer economically, politically and on a multitude of other levels. Most importantly they carry the shame of these abused women. The blood of the women hurt by abusive men is on every member of society who turns a blind eye and keeps their mouth shut.

What can we do in this particular situation? We write a note that says “No problem at all. We just want you to know that our door is always open.” We make sure the husband doesn’t see it. But when the institutions in place don’t protect women, who do we call? What do we really do to help?

Last night I was taking the dog out for a walk and the elevator door was open. The sister and another man were there. The lady got really frightened and started screaming ‘I am scared of dogs.’ So I pull the dog close to me and say go ahead making room for them. They are over five feet away from me so they can easily pass, and the dog is being calm anyways so they have nothing to be scared of. This guy starts Screaming at me. He yells ‘Go away!! Get away!! GO GO GO!!” I thought he was going to hit me. His veins were popping out of his head.

I was quite shaken by the incident but the thing that struck me the most was that this woman was willingly standing in the elevator with this seeming monster and she is more scared of a dog that has never done a thing to her. Who is the real beast anyway.

Things I Know Today

2009-11-21T16:44:00.001-08:00

-I love Feraz more than any human being on the planet. He is my saving grace.

-Nothing bad can happen to you if you don't let it. Even the worst things are the best things and if you tell yourself that again and again, it becomes true.

-Glee is the best show ever right now. :) I'll Stand By You on Glee is a mind blowing experience.

-I have the best friends in the world. And I am so lucky that they have spread themselves all over the world for me to visit!

-You haven't lived until you've been to a Pink Party hosted by the Dutch Consulate.

-My sister is my hero and my best friend.

-I can write a novel.

-I don't ever have to be afraid to be myself. Ever. (Neither do you.)

And those are some of the things I know today. Not very entertaining reading, but important for me to write down nonetheless.

You got me begging you for mercy

2009-11-14T08:24:00.001-08:00

Paris is definitely one of my favorite places in the world. I love the wide streets, the incredible architecture and the deeeelicious croissants. (Especially that last part)

One of my life long dreams has been able to idly sit in cafes and write lazily, to look out a window and see the bustle of the street below me and to walk around soaking up everything around me. It feels so surreal to be sitting here working on my novel and sipping a cafe au lait.

The last time I came to Paris my trip was more rushed but this time I have had about ten days here and they have been pretty incredible. Being in Paris with Feraz was so amazing. It was very different from most of our vacations in we didn't bother too much with the touristy stuff. We did see the Eiffel Tower and the Arch de Triomphe but mostly we just relaxed, lazed around and enjoyed the company of our friends that we were visiting.

While Feraz and I were walking around in Paris we ran into a friend from Michigan. We were completely surprised as neither of us knew the other was in Paris at the time. We were able to spend a few days with him and kept laughing at the randomness of it all. Another friend of mine from Michigan also happened to be in Paris as of a few days ago so it was great to spend some time with him and some of his friend s here as well.

One thing that really strikes me about Paris is the crazy amount of babies there are everywhere. This must certainly be the city of love if people are reproducing at such a fast rate! Our friend told us that kids start school when they are 2 or 3 and then they have a full day until five. That is why you don't really see toddlers anywhere and also why people probably don't mind having so many darned babies!

Our friends are pregnant and the advice that they give pregnant women here is pretty wild. They are told they can smoke up to ten cigs a day and that they can continue to drink moderately. They also give them crazy amounts of pills and are really against them traveling at all once they are in the last trimester.

There seem to be a lot of mixed signals to the women! My friend also told me that the pressure to be thin is extremely high here and most women smoke like crazy and that is the reason that they continue to smoke during pregnancy. Never mind that their faces are going to look like crumpled leather on their diets of cigs and fake tanning.

Tomorrow is my last day in Paris but I am sure we will be back to visit our amazing friends who have been so incredibly hospitable and accommodating. By far the best part of traveling has always been and will continue to be the incredible people you meet along the way.

(I will post pictures soon!)

As long as we got each other

2009-11-11T10:04:00.000-08:00

I have decided that this blog needs video pick me ups. If you are down you can turn to these inspiring and uplifting songs to help you! Don't waste another minute on your crying!! I love you.

If you failed the bar...

2009-11-05T18:31:00.000-08:00

When I found out the results for the Feb bar exam, first there was a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and even shock. Then, there was a sense of relief. At least I knew. And then, it felt terrible again. I left work early and waited at the metro. All I wanted to do was go home and see Feraz. Standing there waiting for my train, with throngs of people around me, I wanted to scream, I failed the bar! How is everything going on just like it did two hours ago?

JFK failed the bar three times and went on to be the President. Jackie Chan, a personal hero of mine, failed again and again and again all his life. So did Bill Gates, Isaac Newton, and Abraham Lincoln. And so has every other person who has walked the face of the Earth.

When I called my mom today I told her, Thank God I passed. I may have been able to have dealt with failing for myself but the thought of facing everyone else again was agonizing. She said something she has said to me my whole life and something that strongly has defined me. She said, if you walk, you're going to fall sometimes. That doesn't mean you should stop walking.

I noticed that a lot of people saying that today was the happiest day of their lives. The happiest days of our lives should be the ones when we are with the ones that we love, when our parents show us that they believe in us no matter what, when our partner turns to us when we have made a terrible mistake and gives us a second chance, when we are laying on the grass in a park and we look up at the sky and know that God is there with his endless love and mercy. They shouldn't be defined by whether we guessed correctly on 200 multiple choices questions. And likewise, the tragedies of our life should not hinge on something so arbitrary either.

So, if you failed today, its OK to cry and to feel bad if you want to. But remember who you are. You are the same person that has met the many, many challenges you have faced in your life. You are the same person who worked hard and made it through three years of law school. You are the same person that is a child of this universe and loved by so many. This a small kink in the big picture. One day it will just be a distant memory and another story you will tell about how you didn't give up, you persevered and in the end you were better for it. Trust me, I know.

I pray you don't look at me, I pray I don't look back

2009-11-03T16:22:00.000-08:00

The novel writing begins. I thought Nano would be a great opportunity to write that novel that has always been sitting at the tip of my tongue. All those nights that I can't sleep, pages and pages of it write themselves in my mind. The characters have been dancing around for ages. They have been there for so long, that I am sure that they must be getting tired. If I don't capture them now, they might be so exhausted that they won't be there anymore when I am finally ready to write.

It is day 3. I have 5,000 words down and I am happy with about 27 of them. One of the things about nano is that you are not supposed to delete things you don't like. In some ways, it is an exercise. You write and write and write. It won't be your best work. It might be complete crap. But at the end of the month you will have 50,000 words and you are supposed to be proud of that.

I recently read "Outliers" and in the book the Gladwell notes that we don't need to be extremely talented to succeed. The smartest people aren't the ones that get the furthest in life. In fact, you only need to be smart enough. Once you reach a certain threshold, you basically have the same tools as the genius. At that point, it becomes a matter of what you do with what you have, opposed to how much you have of it.

Gladwell also talks about the 10,000 hours rule. He asserts that to be really successful in any area, you have to have dedicated 10,000 hours to honing and perfecting that skill. He points to people like Gates, Oppenheimer, the Beatles, or Michael Jordan. All of them had put in 10,000 hours in their craft before they made it. Talent gets you to the playing field, but then you have to log those hours. You have to pay your dues.

We aren't born geniuses as much as we'd like to think that some people were. When you look at the best writers, scientists, or athletes, they worked and worked to create the magic that inspires us all. The overnight success is a myth. Nobody wakes up and can play Wimbledon level tennis or can write like Arthur Miller or Sylvia Plath.

The truth is my book is probably going to suck. It is not even the story I've wanted to write all this time. I am too scared to write that one. But hour by hour I am putting in my dues. I might not be a great writer even if I do. But I definitely won't, if I don't.

You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely

2009-10-25T14:18:00.000-07:00

Urg… I keep having more false starts with books. This is annoying because reading a hundred pages into a book and then realizing I don’t want to finish it wastes precious time! The most recent false starts: The Hitler book- I just don’t have the energy for it right now and since I already read Mein Kampf it feels redundant sometimes. So, that is back on the shelf for right now. Then I tried Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography. Gross. It was way too hard for me to read while I was going through the visa drama so I put that down as well. Then I got through books 8-10 and tried Walter Cronkite’s, A Reporter’s Life. I got through about 150 pages of that but didn’t want to lug it back with me and wasn’t really that into it. Surprisingly, his writing just wasn’t that captivating.

I write about these false starts because I suppose they are reviews in themselves. The other good thing about the false starts is that they show that I can put a book down. As little as an year ago, I didn't have it in me to leave a book unfinished. Even if I totally hated it, I had to see it through. Now that I have read so many good books, I don't want to waste my time on stuff I don't like. The small life lessons you learn by making yourself read a book a week!

Book Eight
Angela’s Ashes
By: Frank McCourt
Read: 9/29/2009
Rating: 5.8/10

This book was mostly annoying. I wrote a long reflection about it in my paper journal but can’t be bothered to type it up. For the first 200 or so pages it is sad, sad, sad. One sibling dies, another dies. Dad drinks too much. Grandma hates us. Someone else dies. Life in Ireland sucked really bad. Having a drunk Irish dad sucked really bad.

I had so little patience for the people in this book. I wanted to clobber the dad and his ability to keep drinking and drinking in the face of his family’s mounting problems. I wanted to scream at the mom for being such an irresponsible parent and for continuing to bring children in the world and then acting totally irresponsibly around and towards them.

You feel bad for McCourt. You feel bad for the many Irish families, and like-families in the world. But you also feel mad at humans for being such damn idiots.

I want to read 'Tis which McCourt wrote after this book and it picks up in New York where he is more grown and starts a life free of some of the problems of his family. McCourt ended up having a very good and full life and just died a few months ago from cancer.

I didn’t like this book but most people do. But my opinion is probably off base. It won the pulitzer prize for autobiographies, was an international best seller and made into a movie. But that still doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Book Nine
Made in America
By: Sam Walton
Read: 10/9/2009
Rating: 7.1/10

If you hate Wal-Mart, you should read this book. If you are an entrepreneur, you should read this book. If you go to grocery stores, you should read this book. If you have a dream, you should read this book. If you want to make money, you should read this book. You get the idea. Basically, just about anyone can take something out of this book. It is a great story about a really hard working guy who makes good. It is one of my brother’s favorite books of all time and he is also an autobiography addict if that helps you decide if it is worth checking out.

Sam Walton died in 1992 as he was finishing the book. It was his last project. I've noticed that a lot of the most successful people I've read about, had to wait until they were totally incapable of doing anything else before they wrote and many of them died soon after finishing their books.

Book Ten
My Life in Action
By: Jackie Chan
Read: 10/14/2009
Rating: 9/10

What a great, amazing, fantastic, wonderful read!! I didn’t know much about Jackie Chang going into this book and was really shocked by the crazy life he had! This book is moving and inspiring. It is a story of someone who fails and fails and fails and fails and fails and then finally… finally… there is success!

Book Eleven
My friend Leonard
By: James Frey
Read: 10/24/2009
Rating: 5.7/10

By now you have probably heard of James Frey and how he is a big, fat liar and cheat.

In some ways I can’t blame him for his embellishments. It seems that his life was hard in some ways and I can imagine that when your life is hard but not hard enough to be a really big, sad deal, you might have some sense of entitlement. You might think that the world should feel sorry for you. Or that you know a certain kind of pain and from that you are sure you can talk about a bigger kind of pain. That is bullshit. I am not as mad as some people are about Frey’s attempt to pass his book as a total memoir but I think it is annoying and wish he hadn’t.

I read this book knowing that this guy already had been made a liar with A Million Little Pieces so I guess my next comment probably isn’t fair. But when I started reading it, the first thing I thought was wow, this guy is full of crap. It felt like I was reading a novel. Although it’s true that a lot of biographies are pretty amazing and unbelievable they read totally differently. The sincerity and authenticity screams through the pages. Here, there was none of that. I thought this guy sucks. I don’t want to read this anymore.

But I needed a break from big stories. I wanted to read a regular person’s memoir and lies or not, I got that to some extent. Also, if this hadn't been labeled as a memoir, it is actually a pretty decent book. Not for everyone, but a fun thing to pick up. So, for those purposes, I actually liked it a little bit. Overall, I just need to read some stuff that is a little lighter. My brain just needs a little rest!

There'll be time enough for sleeping when we're dead

2009-10-25T04:29:00.000-07:00

I am going to write a novel! I've signed up for this challenge. People all over the world sign up to write a novel in the month of November. You have 30 days to write 50,000 words. The idea is that everyone always says that they will write a novel one day but they never actually do it. By having a time frame and a deadline, you are more motivated to actually write.

I hope that some of you will join me on this adventure and decide to write a novel too! You have a whole week to sign up!

I want to make the most of this year that I have. There are SO many things I want to do in life and like everyone else I have the propensity to sit on the bench a lot of times. I hope this is one more step in the write direction! Get it? ;)

2009-10-22T16:05:00.000-07:00

I am on photo posting overload but this should be it for a while!

Feraz's Birthday Pictures

And after all, you're my wonderwall

2009-10-22T03:12:00.000-07:00

On the way home from the airport yesterday, Feraz and I saw Sonnet XVIII and it feels so appropriate for this day. Today Feraz turns the big 3-0!! I have shared most of this last decade with his life with him and in it I have found more and more ways to love him still. I was going to list 30 ways in which I love him but there are some things that should stay out of the blogosphere. So, instead, Happy Birthday to the love of my life, the person who makes every tomorrow look better and who always humbles me with his endless love. May Allah teach me to love you as perfectly as you love me!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Still I never meant to go away... I was raised, I was raised, In the place, In the place

2009-10-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to go to the UP for ages. While in the UK I was missing fall SO much and I felt really lucky to be able to go on a road trip up there this past weekend. Best of all I got to go with one of my favorite people in the world, Sara. It was like a dream come true!

UP - Pictured Rocks

Take me on a trip, I'd like to go somewhere

2009-10-21T18:41:00.001-07:00

Here are pictures from the last month in Istanbul, London and Chicago. What was supposed to me a permanent move to London ended up being three days until I had to go back to Chicago. What was supposed to be five days in Chicago ended up being more than three weeks!

Istanbul, London and Chicago Pictures

Om shanti om

2009-10-15T12:43:00.001-07:00

I keep starting to write a post about the need to commit to sustainability and keep getting side tracked. I will post something more substantive soon but in the meantime, please watch this video.

Find out more at storyofstuff.com

2009-10-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

Genius:

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse

2009-10-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

I guess it's big talk to say that even when everything seems to work out imperfectly, it is still perfect in it's own way. When you feel like your back is up against the wall, it is much harder to stick by that sentiment.

I'm in Chicago and even though I was supposed to go back to London on Monday, now I have to change my ticket and extend my stay here for another week. If nothing works out by then, I am just going to call it a day and know that at least I tried my hardest to get the visa.

The whole thing has been a nightmare. A very expensive nightmare. After I got my biometrics taken, I spoke with the passport agency and found out that I couldn't get a visa at all because my passport was soon to expire and if you don't have at least six months left on it, they won't give you a visa. So, the first order of business was to get a new passport. Ok. I got the 24 hour rush passport and had that ready by Weds.

The very, very short version of the rest of the story is that my visa has been denied for reasons that can only be attributed to the incompetence of the expediting agency that I am using to take care of all of this. They have totally messed things up and now I have to take the case back from them and try to explain to the consulate why those people were incompetent.

At this time it seems very unlikely that things will work out and thus I will have to put this LSE dream aside. It is incredibly, incredibly disappointing. I know that this door closing will open up other doors and opportunities and on top of that, I always still have both my Istanbul and DC jobs, so I am grateful for that. But... it is still sad. And it is ok to say that. I understand that whatever happens, it will somehow be for the best, but for a moment I just want to feel sorry for myself, to curl up in a ball, watch House and fantasize that I had gone to med school instead.

All the world is a stage, everyone has their part

2009-09-27T11:44:00.000-07:00

I have gotten a little behind on updating with my book list. So far I have finished seven books which keeps me on track to reach my goal, at least technically. I didn't read much during Ramadan so it is a good thing I read ahead while I had the time. My main problem recently is that I have been having a lot of false starts. I started reading about George Washington in His Excellency and that just didn't stick. It was a little too dry for me at that moment in my life. Then I started reading Charlie Chaplin's autobiography which was quite good and I got about half way through but had to return it to the library before I left for Turkey. In Turkey I started both a book about Jackie Kennedy and Katharine Hepburn and both were a little too cheesy for me. So, now I am reading Angela's Ashes which should be done soon and a book about Hitler which is over 900 pages so that will take a little longer. So- that is my status and hopefully I do some good reading on the plane ride to Chicago tomorrow. After my recent laziness I am a bit concerned about getting to my goal, but hopefully this post will help me get back on track.

Book Four: Helen Keller: The Story of My Life
Read: 8/19/2009
Rating: 6.9/10

I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting too much from this book. Is that mean of me? Anyways, the book was pretty terrible. It was so cheesy and flowery and generally I scoffed as I read it. Most of the book is filled with passages like, "But afterward, when I was restored to my human heritage, Mildred and I grew into each other's hearts, so that we were content to go hand-in-hand wherever caprice led us..." or "Thus I came up out of Egypt and stood before Sinai, and a power divine touched my spirit and gave it sight, so that I beheld many wonders. And from the sacred mountain I heard a voice which said, "Knowledge is love and light and vision." Barf.

To her credit she wrote this book while she was quite young. I am beginning to get the impression that no one should write their own autobiography until they are at least 50. (Remember Obama's failure?) And if you happen to die before that age- if you were so wonderful, someone will find your personal journals and publish them anyways.

So- the book was a giant fail BUT after the part HK writes as the formal part of the book, there is a section of letters between her and her many friends. This part of the book is very impressive. For one, she was friends with amazing people likeMark Twain, Alexander Graham Bell, and Charlie Chaplin. Interestingly, her letters to random people who showed her kindness and to her heroes like Mark Twain held the same love and admiration. I was really impressed by that and the fact that she wrote thank you letters for the most simple of simple things. She definitely got lots of sweet gifts and special treatment because of her circumstances but she was so incredibly appreciative of it. Her humility in the face of the love she was shown is probably the best take away from this book and you can fully see that in her correspondences. And even at this young age she rarely sees things as impossible. It was quite inspiring in a way I didn't expect!

You can find a digital copy of the book here.

Book Six: Obsessive Genius; The Inner World of Marie Curie
Read: 8/25/09
Rating: 7.18/10

This book was great for someone who knows nothing about science. It went a little into the science in her life but did a nice job of talking about it in an accessible way and making it more interesting by intertwining it with the more personal details of Marie Curie's life.

Since I read it quite some time ago, I can't review it all that well. However, I jotted down this quote from the book though. After her husband's unexpected death she wrote “I live only for your memory and to make you proud of me.” It was such a sweet sentiment. The two seemed to live only for their work on the outside but this piece from her journal shows a more tender side of her.

What they didn't realize at the time, or refused to admit was that it was their work that was killing them. The radioactive material they were exposed to every day was slowly destroying their bodies. Even today the clothes they wore are radioactive!

Marie Curie was the first woman to teach at the University of Paris and the first person, man or woman to win two nobel prizes but still the French Academy of Science refused to admit her. This was just one of many cases of discrimination she faced as a woman in her field. In fact the Nobel Prize for her discovery initially didn't even mention her name, let alone list her as one of the recipients. However, in time, despite the prejudice she rose to become known as one of the greatest scientist in her time.

“Throughout history, once an icon has been created, there is a societal compulsion to destroy it. Marie Curie’s downfall was to be as fierce as a Greek tragedy.” After her husband's death, Marie Curie eventually found another lover but he happened to be married. Once the press found out they attempted to destroy her and she was even asked to leave the country. No mind that her lover was infamous for his many affairs and did not suffer at all in the scientific community or in general society.

Eventually Marie Curie was able to recover from these attacks and continued to contribute greatly to science. The book paints a great portrait of the deep sadness that permeated her life and of the 'obsessive genius' that inspired her work.

Overall, this is a good and quick read- I recommend it.

Book Seven: Underboss: Sammy the Bull Gravano's Story of Life in the Mafia
Read: 8/30/09
Rating: 6.8/10

After reading about all these ultra successful women I needed something more street. A book about the mafia seemed in order. After seeing this cover I quickly knew this was the book I was looking for.

Sammy (Yup, we even kind of share the same name!) is the highest member of the mafia to ever defect. In his autobiography we learn that Sammy kills lots of people and is swallowed into the mafia at a young age. He himself describes moments of his life as seeming like they were straight out of the Godfather. (I have not seen any of these and now am excited to finally watch them.) I couldn't help but laugh out loud (lol for the youngins) at lots of parts in the book. They just seem so over the top and so removed from any type of life that I have known that it is hard for me to relate or understand. Reflecting on the book it is kind of chilling to think of how many people he killed and that he talks about it without any remorse or sense of understanding of the wrongness of his actions. He just always attributes it to the fact that this was the life that they all lived in and getting shot dead by your friend was just a part of that reality.

In the book he seems to think really highly of the mafia code. There are no problems with killing people left and right but since the family that he was in didn't deal with drugs, dealing with drugs was inconceivable to him. He was incredibly loyal to his Mafia family and the code until the end. Then a new type of gangster comes into the scene. The John Gotti type. Flash, money and no respect for the code. When they end up in prison together, Sammi realizes that the mafia of his childhood is gone. He is only loyal to that dream he once lived in and wants nothing to do with the mafia of today, the John Gotti mafia. So, naturally, he sells out Jon Gotti and all of the secrets of the mafia along with him. (In all fairness, John Gotti sold him out first.)

The end is kind of heart breaking. He loses his family (his wife supposedly has not "known" that he was part of the mafia) and has to go into hiding. That is where the book ends. Since then he has actually left the witness protection program and says he is not afraid to die and if a hit team comes after him, they better expect a good number of body bags back. Unfortunately, he didn't leave his life of crime forever, he started a huge ecstacy ring and now is back in prison. What an idiot? He is now dying of Grave's disease in an Arizona prison.

We don't need no education

2009-09-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday evening I arrived in London. Ahhh... another new beginning! Everything went without a hitch. My luggage was not over weight. (Small miracle!) The British Airways hostesses were incredibly nice! (Slightly bigger miracle.) The plane landed over half an hour early after a perfectly smooth flight. Once I got off, Feraz's cousins Z and S were right outside of baggage claim to pick me up. Everything was perfect! We drove to the house that Feraz and I will be staying at. The place is so amazing! It is artsy and scholarly. It has a great guest room with a fireplace. The whole house has tons of character. The kitchen has a retro floor. The garden has a line with pins to dry our clothes on. There is a small, cozy study that is wallpapered in books where I envision writing brilliant revelations on gender theory. There are political posters on the walls and the owner's marvelous paintings are all over the house. There are so many biographies for me to read! I love everything about it. Everything is going so perfectly that I feel like I am in some wonderful, spectacular dream. Seriously that is exactly what I thought to myself. "Wow, this is such a dream life I live."

But as we know, all dreams must come to an end and I got a rude awakening when I went to LSE to register the next day. It turns out that you can't get a student visa once you come to Britain. You have to have it before you come into the country. And you can't simply leave the country and go just anywhere to get the student visa processed, you actually have to go to your home country. When the lady at LSE sat me down to tell me this I literally felt in shock. Like the baby I am, tears welled up in my eyes. There was no way I could afford to go home and back and still make it in time for classes. I couldn't imagine how much a ticket to leave three days later would cost. From what I was hearing, I basically would not be able to go to LSE this year.

As I headed back home I tried to see the bright side of things. I could go back to Istanbul and work or I could just start at my firm at a more normal time or I could travel all around the world. Although all these options seemed incredible, they weren't what I had mentally prepared myself for. And worst of all, in fact the deal-breaker was that they did not include Feraz. After this last month without him, the idea of leaving him for any significant period seemed too impossible to consider.

So, it was time to brainstorm ways to still go to LSE. Essentially I had to have a new Visa letter issued, fill out my new Visa application, fly back to the US, preferably to Chicago where I could get a same day turn around, get a biometrics appointment and get my actual Visa appointment and hope that it all gets approved. Uh...yeah. I reconsidered how much I wanted to pursue this Masters... Enough to go through all this. So on Monday I will fly back to Chicago and spend the next seven days there trying to sort this little mess. Please pray from your heart of hearts that all this works out!

On the bright side, Feraz flies in tomorrow and I am so excited to share the magic of this place with him. We'll get a full two days together before I have to shoot off but hopefully after that we can just settle in and enjoy Glooorious Britainnnn. And when I get to Chicago on Monday, I get to spend a full week with my brother. Something that has not happened in the last decade! Hopefully I'll also get to see a bunch of my friends and maybe even drive up to Michigan on the weekend and see my family!

It is strange how life never plays out how you expect it to. When I left the US in August I was sure that I wouldn't be returning to that soil for a long, long time. One year ago, you couldn't have paid me enough to believe that I would be living between Istanbul and London in the circumstances I am. And yet, here I am. And it feels that this is exactly how it was meant to happen. And even in all its imperfection, somehow it is perfect.

Allahu Allahu Allahu

2009-09-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

It was a frustrating day at work. I was having a hard time fasting. I was sick of the apathy of all the Muslims around me. I am in a Muslim country. I want to feel like I am in a Muslim country. Sorry, if that makes me suck. But most, most of all, I don’t want to feel like I am defending my choice to fast every day. So, as I make my way home, I feel exhausted on many levels. I am eager to get to my apartment, to lay down and find that peaceful place that will help re-center me.

I get to my door and start the five-minute treasure hunt in my purse to find my keys. Five minutes pass. No keys. I sit down on the stoop and take everything out one by one. No keys. I hear the azaan in the background and I am desperate to open my fast. I reach into my purse to find my wallet so I can go buy some food. No wallet. I call my roommate to see if she will be home any time soon. Of course not.

I dig in my purse and find a few liras at the bottom and go and buy a “Le Cola Light” and a pide (a round bread that is sold here in Ramadan). I eat this glamorous dinner on my stoop where several of my neighbors question what I am doing.

Realizing that I can’t sit on my stoop all night, I call my friend and ask if I can spend the night. As always, she saves me. I head out to catch the bus to her house. As I walk to the bus stop I start to notice the Besiktas jerseys everywhere. It is game day. Soon the streets are swarming with Besiktas fans.

Usually this is a sight that makes me happy. But today I only see their drunkenness and how stupid they all seem. The air smells of cigarettes, filth, alcohol and machismo.

It is Laylat al Qadr in Istanbul.

Ramadan is the holiest month for Mulsims and Laylat al Qadr is the most special and holy of nights for a Muslim. On this night all the angels come down to Earth. It is the night on which the first verses of the Quran were revealed to the Prophet Muhummad. It is a night that is considered to be better than a thousand months. Whoever prays with sincerity on this night will have all their past sins forgiven.

Around me all the drunk people stumbled around. Their cheers and chants were deafening. In front of me a huge fight broke out between the police and a bunch of belligerent drunks. I felt the chaos would swallow me before I could even reach my friend.

I longed for the homes of the Salmans, Jukakus and Fahmys; these families that I have always loved and admired and had always opened their homes on this special night. I longed for my own family and Feraz and for the peace and discovery that always comes on this night. I felt so helpless that I just sat down on a bench and cried.

Eventually, I made it to my friend’s house. She restored me with lentil soup, tea and Nutella. She made me lay down and take a nap to erase all the bad thoughts in my mind. Her other friend joined us and we made our way to a place where we could stay up all night and pray and worship.

In this random room in Fatih I found the peace that comes from sincerely seeking Allah. Among these complete strangers I felt my frustrations melt away. I realized that you don’t have to be in your town, in your musjid or your own home to experience the power of these last ten days. Allah’s love and mercy is so strong that it can find us across the world, through booze filled streets, and even past our own hardened hearts.

“Oh Allah who removes worry, the one who eliminates grief, the grantor of the prayers of the helpless, oh most merciful and compassionate of all in this world and in the hereafter, only You will show mercy on me; give such mercy to me that I do not need the mercy of anyone except you.”

And it rained all night and then all day

2009-09-11T14:48:00.000-07:00

The evening starts innocently enough. I head out of the huge spinning doors at work and walk the short distance to the dolmus stop. For some reason I am feeling extra indecisive today. Dolmus after dolmus going to Besiktas passes by but I reject them all. One is too full. I don't like the color of the other one. Finally, annoyed with myself, I jump into the next Besiktas dolmus that arrives.

Seconds into the ride, the passengers are yelling at the driver. Although they are speaking in Turkish I am confident they are saying something along the lines of "You jerk! Why are you driving like a maniac?!" If you know anything about riding in taxis or dolmuses in Turkey, you know that the default is really crappy driving. So, you can imagine how bad this guy had to be driving to get a bunch of Turks riled up.

After many near accidents we came close to my stop. Then we had an actual accident. As the driver swerved to pass someone, he slammed into another car. As if in slow motion, my body lunged forward. My two knees slammed straight into the metal bar in front of me. I gasped for breath and then looked down to see if my legs could still possibly be attached to my body. Still there. Whew.

After a good amount of swearing and yelling, the driver continued on his way. I stumbled out of the dolmus feeling each painful step. Luckily I had on three inch heels. And the whole walk home is on cobblestone. And their was bumper to bumper traffic so everyone could watch me walking like an idiot. I used every ounce of concentration I had to ignore the pain and try to maintain my balance. To no avail. I fell forward five feet. Again, in slow motion. As every person in that stand still traffic gawked on. Thankfully, I had on a fabulous outfit. Whew. Again.

After pulling myself together, I looked up to see a group of three guys standing a few feet ahead of me. Throwing back beers. In this Muslim country. During Ramadan. As the Azan went off in the background. I wanted to cry.

At home I nursed my knees which were actually feeling much better after the initial shock. Even though it was a lot of fun to sit in bed and pout about how much my life sucked and how much I missed Feraz, I dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to go hunt for dinner. I told my roommate I would be back in ten minutes.

I passed about 84 restaurants that all looked unappetizing and kept walking. Even after fasting all day, I couldn't find one place where I wanted to get food. Soon I was about fourty minutes from home standing in front of an everyday shop. Once every few days I go into this shop, ask the price of something and then don't buy it. I am pretty sure the store owners want to throw a rock at my head.

But again, I walked in. I spotted the umbrellas. I needed an umbrella. Perfect. The store owners eyed me suspiciously. I was actually holding an umbrella. (It was my roommates.) They had no faith I would purchase their umbrella. They turned away and paid attention to people who were more likely to be actual customers. I cooly walked up to the counter and laid down a ten lira note. The umbrella was mine for 6.5 liras! Their shock was priceless.

And then, the universe showed me how uncool I was. An incredible down pour came out of nowhere. It was like some faucet in the sky was on full blast. It mocked my two umbrellas. Even ten umbrellas would have been useless! It was the craziest rain I have ever seen. I ran across the road to take refuge in an outdoor cafe where I could watch this incredible show. In the huge outdoor section of the cafe everyone was crammed against the walls, staying close to the only seemingly dry spots outside. But there was one table in the middle of it all that was somehow staying dry. All around it there was rain falling down and like the opposite of an oasis, it stood completely dry in this sea of rain. I quickly sat down at it and ordered my dinner and tea. I felt like I was in a secret fortress. The rain fell down on all sides of me and sitting there in the middle of it all, I kind of felt like a superhero.

For a good hour I sat at this table, slowly sipping turkish tea and watching the world try to run from the rain. There was a huge parade of the cheap five lira umbrellas that everyone buys off the street when there is an unexpected rain. Couples were huddling close to each other. Some laughing, others just trying not to get wet. Behind them the Bosphurus shone in the night. There was the smell of cigarettes wafting through the garden. There was that strange, calm feeling that comes with an incredible storm. It was one of the most magical experiences of my life.

Finally, the rain slowed down a bit and I started the long walk home. The rain continued to come down, more lightly now. The sidewalks had huge puddles everywhere. Night had fully descended. Somehow life felt incredibly different from how I had ever known it. Each cobble stone step I walked on seemed like a part of a bridge I was crossing. And though I cannot explain it, this night when the worst floods in Istanbul's history destroyed so much in parts of the city, it felt like an awakening, a renewal and a rebirth. Here's to being born again and again. To always, always getting out of bed and meeting life. Even when our knees are incredibly weak!

She leads a glamorous life...

2009-09-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

The airlines lost my luggage. I have never had to deal with lost luggage before. After a long flight, there is no worse feeling than watching the conveyor belt turn and turn and turn with no sign of your things. Slowly you see all the people from your flight walk away with their treasures. You stare despondently at the empty luggage cart for which you just wasted 3 lira and have nothing to put on. Then you try with your crap Turkish to find the customer service people.

Perhaps it is a good thing I was alone because I would probably have found some way to blame Feraz for losing the luggage had we been together. I had to wait two hours in the customer service room before they even talked to me. When they refused to do anything to help find my suitcases, I pleaded "Please, you have to find them. My whole life is in there."

On the Saturday night before I came, I was talking to a friend who asked how I planned to pack for going away for over one year. I replied, I am about to find out. I am not a great packer in the best of times. I recall one trip to Switzerland where all my friends showed up with carry-ons and I came with a massive full size suitcase. I didn't hear the end of that for the rest of the trip. (But people did borrow the many warm clothes I brought along!!) Feraz always groans when we go somewhere because somehow I always manage to convince myself that there is a ton of crap that I have to have with me. Eighty percent of it usually goes untouched or unworn.

Before I left the US Feraz and I were driving and I said to him, “I can tell you the story about every piece of clothing and jewelery I am wearing. I can tell you who gave it to me or the thought process I had when I got it, who I was with and what price I got it for.”

I guess my point was that although I have more clothes than any human should, almost everything I own has sentimental value of some sort. I love shopping because I am materialistic but I also love shopping because I like hunting for a good deal, making plans with friends, walking around seeing all the colors and sparkles, finding a fabric that feels like magic against my skin, putting outfits together like an art project and then finally sitting down completely exhausted and spent from shopping and eating a big meal that almost always includes a chicken burger, fries and coke. It is an experience. In some ways it is even like a sport. In other ways, it is just really sad. :)

But how do I look at my masses of clothes and decide what I will take with me? At one point when I was deciding to pack a shirt I thought, this is too hippie-ish, you don't really dress like this anymore. Then I thought, but think of all the hippies you will meet this year. Who knows, you might need it come next year. Eventually, I sorted out all the best of the best. I picked my very favorite things and packed them up into two suitcases with a dismal 50 pound weight allowance for each.

Then the airlines lost it all. My life. Gone.

It seems appropriate that as I am back in Istanbul, my magical place of discovery and self-improvement that God sends this challenge to me. Lately, I have been spending a great deal of time reflecting about materialism. I am a materialistic person and I am a recovering shopaholic. (Feraz may disagree with the recovering bit.) I love things. I especially love nice things. I have no shame in saying that I hope to one day have a full Burberry wardrobe. It is classic and timeless. It is fashion perfection. Those silks and cashmeres, the perfect cuts, the fact that you can never put a price on a dress that makes you look ten pounds thinner.

But as I try to become more socially aware and more sensitive of my role in the world, I have to acknowledge the realities of consumerism, capitalism and superficiality.

Islamically I feel there are conflicting views sent about materialism or wanting the 'good life.' There are various accounts that stress that we should ask for the best of this world and the best of the hereafter. The Believer does not take an oath of poverty, and in fact one of the most famous and respected imams was said to wear a new garment each day. On the other hand our own Prophet lived by very humble means. Was he applauded because as a leader, it was more relevant for him to live humbly so as not to alienate himself from his followers? That he had to sacrifice first because he was asking others to sacrifice so much for this new religion? Or was the humility in his lifestyle the lesson itself?

Allah says in the Quran, “If it be that your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your mates, or your kindred; the wealth that ye have gained; the commerce in which ye fear a decline: or the dwellings in which ye delight - are dearer to you than Allah, or His Messenger, or the striving in His cause, then wait until Allah brings about His decision: and Allah guides not the rebellious.”

It is the most holy of months, the most blessed of days. And so I lost my things. But I have my life. I have my lips with which to worship Allah, to ask for His mercy and for His help. Blessed are we who get to see another Ramadan. Who are given another chance at redemption. It is ok for us to want the best of this world, to want that which is material. But when things happen that take away some of our wealth or health or happiness we must strive to remember that nothing can be more dear to us than Allah, that we should cherish nothing more than guidance and truth and with that knowledge we must find peace.

Surely, we are only travelers in this world. We are bound to lose things along the way. I am grateful that it is only luggage that I have lost this Ramadan.

2009-09-02T15:45:00.000-07:00

After being worried about getting to work on my first day, this morning I felt like something of a pro going to work. Having already done it yesterday, I already know exactly which dolmus (shared taxi) I have to get on and have the exact change for the driver. I feel kind of like a big deal. I also have the bright idea that I should read while commuting to work. It’s not a very long ride but I think it it is a good way to stay on track with my reading goals.

So, I delve into unnamed book and keep an eye out for my work. Soon, I notice the dolmus is completely empty. Strange. I look around and can't recognize the neighborhood I am in at all. This doesn’t seem like the route we went on yesterday. In fact, this is a part of Istanbul I have never seen. Suddenly we are careening in and out of random streets. I start to panic. Obviously I am being kidnapped.

I take out my cell phone and think of who I should call. I try to bluff the guy, pretending to call a friend at work and saying that I will be there soon. Realizing that this guy doesn't know English, I just sit and wait for my untimely demise.

After about ten minutes the dolmus pulls into a massive parking lot. This is it. I am going to die in some giant parking lot in working class Istanbul. I am at peace with this. Then I notice that lots of dolmus drivers bring their victims to this lot! In fact, there are rows and rows of dolmuses lined up everywhere. It is going to be a mass murder!

The driver parks and turns around throwing his hands up as if to ask why the hell I am still there. I feel like the little kid who fell asleep on the back of the bus and didn't wake up until the bus driver is all the way back at the bus lot. I say, Levant?? Lutfen? He rolls his eyes at me. Then he yells what could mean nothing other than, "Get Out!!" I try to sit there for a second thinking of what I should do. (There are no taxis anywhere.) He yells again, "Get Out!!" Alriiiiight I think. Out I go. I start walking up the dolmus lines to see if there is anyone else willing to reply to my more sophisticated "Levant istiyorum lutfen." I am thinking I am an idiot. I need to do my Turkish lessons. I need to look out the window while I am being driven to work. I need to not think I am being kidnapped every time I am an idiot.

The dolmus driver sees me and gestures for me to follow him. He takes me to the front dolmus and then as if dealing with a mildly retarded person, he tells me to sit down and stay there. So, I sit and wait and wait... Eventually another driver comes and off we go. We pick up passengers until there is no room to breath on the dolmus, let alone be able to look out the window to spot my work.

When I see a small sliver of the mall that I work by in the distance I jump up to get out. I can walk the rest of the way! I am just scared he is going to take a turn and take me somewhere else all together. I force my way through the wall of people and as the dolmus is still moving I jump out. As I stumble and almost fall, I try to act cool. No worries, I think. I am an expert at getting to work.

2009-09-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

Yippie! Obama's remarks from the recent White House iftaar dinner. I was so happy to see some of my old DC friends on the attendees list and particularly happy to see that Karamah was represented! I am really happy to see this speech after reading so much against Muslims in the media and after seeing so many ignorant remarks regarding CAIR’s actions against the judge in Michigan. Thank you Barak Obama and the White House for affirming that there are many, many Muslims like myself who sincerely love this country and consider ourselves a part of the fabric that makes it so beautiful.

THE PRESIDENT: Please, everybody have a seat. Thank you. Well, it is my great pleasure to host all of you here at the White House to mark this special occasion -- Ramadan Kareem.
I want to say that I'm deeply honored to welcome so many members of the diplomatic corps, as well as several members of my administration and distinguished members of Congress, including the first two Muslims to serve in Congress -- Keith Ellison and Andre Carson. Where are they? (Applause.)

Just a few other acknowledgements I want to make...(I cut this part out)

And most of all, I want to welcome all the American Muslims from many walks of life who are here. This is just one part of our effort to celebrate Ramadan, and continues a long tradition of hosting iftars here at the White House.

For well over a billion Muslims, Ramadan is a time of intense devotion and reflection. It's a time of service and support for those in need. And it is also a time for family and friends to come together in a celebration of their faith, their communities, and the common humanity that all of us share. It is in that spirit that I welcome each and every one of you to the White House.
Tonight's iftar is a ritual that is also being carried out this Ramadan at kitchen tables and mosques in all 50 states. Islam, as we know, is part of America. And like the broader American citizenry, the American Muslim community is one of extraordinary dynamism and diversity -- with families that stretch back generations and more recent immigrants; with Muslims of countless races and ethnicities, and with roots in every corner of the world.

Indeed, the contribution of Muslims to the United States are too long to catalog because Muslims are so interwoven into the fabric of our communities and our country. American Muslims are successful in business and entertainment; in the arts and athletics; in science and in medicine. Above all, they are successful parents, good neighbors, and active citizens.

So on this occasion, we celebrate the Holy Month of Ramadan, and we also celebrate how much Muslims have enriched America and its culture -- in ways both large and small. And with us here tonight, we see just a small sample of those contributions. Let me share a few stories with you briefly.

Elsheba Khan's son, Kareem, made the ultimate sacrifice for his country when he lost his life in Iraq. Kareem joined the military as soon as he finished high school. He would go on to win the Purple Heart and Bronze Star, along with the admiration of his fellow soldiers. In describing her son, Elsheba said, "He always wanted to help any way that he could." Tonight, he's buried alongside thousands of heroes in Arlington National Cemetery. A crescent is carved into his grave, just as others bear the Christian cross or the Jewish star. These brave Americans are joined in death as they were in life -- by a common commitment to their country, and the values that we hold dear.

One of those values is the freedom to practice your religion -- a right that is enshrined in the First Amendment of the Constitution. Nashala Hearn, who joins us from Muskogee, Oklahoma, took a stand for that right at an early age. When her school district told her that she couldn't wear the hijab, she protested that it was a part of her religion. The Department of Justice stood behind her, and she won her right to practice her faith. She even traveled to Washington to testify before Congress. Her words spoke to a tolerance that is far greater than mistrust -- when she first wore her headscarf to school, she said, "I received compliments from the other kids."

Another young woman who has thrived in her school is Bilqis Abdul-Qaadir. She's not even 5'5 -- where's Bilqis? Right here. Stand up, Bilqis, just so that we -- (laughter) -- I want everybody to know -- she's got heels on. She's 5'5 -- Bilqis broke Rebecca Lobo's record for the most points scored by any high school basketball player in Massachusetts history. (Applause.) She recently told a reporter, "I'd like to really inspire a lot of young Muslim girls if they want to play basketball. Anything is possible. They can do it, too." As an honor student, as an athlete on her way to Memphis, Bilqis is an inspiration not simply to Muslim girls -- she's an inspiration to all of us.

Of course, we know that when it comes to athletes who have inspired America, any list would include the man known simply as The Greatest. And while Muhammad Ali could not join us tonight, it is worth reflecting upon his remarkable contributions, as he's grown from an unmatched fighter in the ring to a man of quiet dignity and grace who continues to fight for what he believes -- and that includes the notion that people of all faiths holds things in common. I love this quote. A few years ago, he explained this view -- and this is part of why he's The Greatest -- saying, "Rivers, ponds, lakes and streams -- they all have different names, but they all contain water. Just as religions do -- they all contain truths."

They all contain truths. Among those truths are the pursuit of peace and the dignity of all human beings. That must always form the basis upon which we find common ground. And that is why I am so pleased that we are joined tonight not only by so many outstanding Muslim Americans and representatives of the diplomatic corps, but people of many faiths -- Christians, Jews, and Hindus -- along with so many prominent Muslims.

Together, we have a responsibility to foster engagement grounded in mutual interest and mutual respect. And that's one of my fundamental commitments as President, both at home and abroad. That is central to the new beginning that I've sought between the United States and Muslims around the world. And that is a commitment that we can renew once again during this holy season.

So tonight, we celebrate a great religion, and its commitment to justice and progress. We honor the contributions of America's Muslims, and the positive example that so many of them set through their own lives. And we rededicate ourselves to the work of building a better and more hopeful world.

So thanks to all of you for taking the time to be here this evening. I wish you all a very blessed Ramadan. And with that, I think we can start a feast. I don't know what's on the menu, but I'm sure it will be good. (Laughter.) Thank you very much, everybody. (Applause.)

Run through my town, scream til I faint

2009-08-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

By popular demand (i.e. Fahad casually mentioned it on my facebook) I am blogging about the joys of Canton. After coming back from Istanbul I expected to fall into a deep despair at being in Midwestern suburbia but I hadn't given Canton enough credit. These are the reasons why Canton has won my heart.

Amee: I love my mother in law. She is one of the nicest people in the world. She makes me feel safe and loved. She doesn’t ask me lots of questions, she doesn’t make me feel bad for not being talkative when I don’t want to be and she doesn’t force me to eat when I am not hungry. These might not seem like big things but if you have ever had to live with desi people you know how oppressive those things become!

The Silence: There are certain perks to living in the city. There is always a protest or a concert or a near missed riot. There are lots of weird people and bad clothes to make fun of. But because of that, there is lots and lots of noise. In Canton, I can sit in my room and write and read and not be bothered by anyone in the world. I can hear my thoughts!! Also, there is endless diet coke in the garage and on most nights there are potatoes in the fridge.

No Responsibility: Now that I am in a new phase of my life (no more going to Ann Arbor!!) I no longer will have to associate Canton with any sort of work. That means that whenever I am home, I will be on a holiday or break. This will be like my ‘summer home’ but better because I don’t have to pay for it and my in-laws are here to play with.

Solidarity: People from Ohio are automatically impressed when you mention that you are from Canton because by golly they have a Canton too!

The Musjid: In Turkey I got so spoiled with having Musjids all over the place. Here in Canton we have almost the next best thing to Turkey...er... But it is nice to just be able to zip right out and right back home without having to feel like you are making a huge commitment. Do you know in Troy many people drive ten or more minutes to get to IAGD??

Canton Couples: There are so many young married couples to play with in Canton. Some of them conveniently live across the street from the musjid and give nice snacks and treats. I have often heard one unnamed Canton moved to Troy guy complain that Troy is the most boring place on EARTH for a young married couple. (He is not related to anyone from 786...) Many of these couples have extremely cute little babies for me to play with. If I lived in Canton I would probably never have to have kids of my own.

Ikea: This isn’t really one of the main things I love about Canton but I just thought I would show off that it is down the road because this tends to impress people.

Add your own joys of Canton. Troy haters please be nice... I do not consider this a betrayal.

It's a privilege to pee

2009-08-28T09:45:00.001-07:00

Why is it that most times handicapped bathrooms are the only ones without pee all over the seat?

2009-08-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Book Three: Personal History by Katharine Graham
Read: 8/18/2009
Rating: 9.6/10

Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. A much better use of your reading time would be to stop reading this blog and go read this book!

I will admit that the only reason I even bought this book was because it was so cheap. I went to the public library the day before our trip to find a book in their little used bookstore. My criteria were simple. It had to look like it was new. (I like the idea of writing in a fresh book.) It couldn’t be hard cover. (I wanted to be able to carry it easily.) It had to talk to an area on which I was mostly ignorant. Personal History by Katherine Graham fit the bill and for 50 cents it seemed like a steal even before I read a single word.

One reason I wasn’t sure I would get it because at 625 pages I was afraid it would interrupt my pace and I wouldn’t be able to keep up with my goal to keep reading about a book a week. No worries! It was really hard for me to put this book down, even when Costa Rica lay all around me!

I hadn’t even heard of Katharine Graham before picking up this book but was interested in the woman who was described on the back jacket to have piloted the Washington Post through crisis of the Pentagon Papers and Watergate.

In her autobiography Katharine Graham not only tells her story but uses it as a vehicle to tell the largely untold stories of her parents and Phil Graham. In the beginning of the book we are introduced to the extreme life of privilege that Graham was born in to. But we also see how lonely this life is, where she is often left with her siblings under the care of governesses and grown ups with the non-existence of her mother’s affection.

Her father is an ambitious and extremely successful businessman. After he buys the Washington Post it becomes his great life work. Her mother is an incredibly selfish and often destructive woman. But there is no doubt that her mother is also brilliant. In one passage Graham quotes her mother, “Most people go through life without ever discovering the existence of the whole field of endeavor which we describe as second wind. Whether mentally of physically occupied most people give up at the first appearance of exhaustion. Thus they never learn the glory and the exhilaration of genuine effort….” This is totally me! I can never focus long enough now to get that satisfaction of pushing through and past a difficult part in my academic work. In law school one of my friend’s use to always tell me to try to sit down long enough that those first flirtations of distraction were gone. I never did succeed but I am going to try again. What an awful state to live in when you only see the most pathetic part of your ability exercised!

Later we meet Phil Graham. At the beginning he is a completely charming man. He is likable and the onset of Graham’s relationship and subsequent marriage seem very promising. She takes us through his great rise. He becomes the publisher of the Post at 30, personal advisor and friend to Lyndon B. Johnson and JFK. His brilliance is breathtaking at times. But he is manic depressive in a time where the language to describe his condition doesn’t even exist.

As he mentally deteriorates Graham is his only comfort and care taker because they are too ashamed to tell anyone about his deep bouts of depression. For five years she nurses him while trying to take care of their four children and still maintaining a picture of a perfect family and business. (Keep in mind that the Post is essentially completely under Phil’s control at this time.)

As our heart breaks for Graham we are as shocked as she is when we discover that Phil has been having an affair (and also tells her about various other ones he has had) and has decided to leave Graham. At this point Graham blames just about everything on his illness and I am not sure if that is correct. But there is no doubt that at the time that Phil is spiraling out of control. At one dinner to honor his friend he rushes to the mic where he starts to incoherently talk and then proceeds to undress himself. This is his first public outing with Robin, the woman for who he has left his wife. Soon after he is institutionalized. After getting out he glob trots and starts a new life with his mistress. Graham writes “I found it haunting that the life he was reconstructing seemed to be a mirror image of everything we had done together.”

Eventually Phil’s life with his new woman falls apart and he suffers another bad bout of depression. He is soon institutionalized and with the charm that many manic-depressives have, he is able to secure a pass to leave the institution to go home for a bit. Graham and Phil enjoy a nice lunch together and then lay down for a nap. Phil excuses himself to go lay down in one of their other rooms. Moments later Graham hears a gun go off. She races into the room to find her husband lying dead as the pool of blood around him grows.

Graham emerges from this tragedy to take over the Post and begins to make a career for herself. The rest of the book details her rise, the incredible sexism she faced and highlights the many challenges she rises to in her career as publisher of the Post and in her many hats at the Washington Post Company. The story is remarkable and inspiring. If you are looking for a book that will greatly increase your knowledge about American history and politics, this is a sure bet.

The whole time I was reading this book, I didn’t want to know if she had passed away. It was written 12 years ago and as I read the last chapter I was so angry with her. She sounds tired and sad in some ways. My greatest fear is growing old. For the longest time I have prayed that I would die young. (I am sorry to the people this offends.) There is something about becoming that old, having seen that much of the world and losing everyone you have loved that is incredibly depressing and scary. Even Graham, who’s life has been so rich and varied and beautiful must humble herself before the cruelty of age. She is tired, illness is starting to take over her body and she realizes that she is in the “the last lap.” Those words broke my heart. Graham passed away in July of 2001. I pray that she is with her beloved Phil, far away from the darkness of his illness, with her parents who are restored to the days of their best health and with her many friends that she lost over the years. Ameen.